Dumber

If I had to put to word to how I feel today, it would be inadequate. I've been feeling this way for a lot of February, it seems. I don't think it's from a single instance, but my confidence has been slowly dissolving for the past month or so. I think today was just one of those overwhelming days when you realize what's been going on with you for a while.

I think it largely started when I got closer to the guy I was friends with for a bit. Before that, I felt fine. But after he started gradually ignoring me, I think I began to reconsider my strength. The worst part of being ignored isn't so much the fact that I'm being ignored. I think I'd prefer rejection ("Judy, you're annoying, and I don't want to talk to you right now") rather than being ignored. Being ignored has a connotation of dismissal, like I'm not even worth an explanation or even worth being told that I'm inadequate. I'm left knowing that I wasn't even worth that--slowly descending into a feeling of inadequacy instead of being angry with him after direct rejection and getting over it. Being ignored is such a painful process and although I generally would like to think I prefer it over direct rejection, I really don't. I may not like rejection at first, but rejection makes me angry and I can get over being angry. I can't as easily get over feeling inadequate because there's no reason out there for my being ignored, leaving me with no one to blame or be angry at but myself.

I got rejected by the blood drive people again today. I still don't meet my height/weight requirements. I don't know exactly why, but I really want to donate blood. I've been wanting to for a while now, and the second rejection was just a lot harder to take than the first one. Even my body is inadequate.

I also forgot to go to an NHS board meeting today. I just plain forgot. Normally, it's water under the bridge for some people, but for me that's a huge indication of my losing control over myself. And as a control freak, I find this terrifying. I had to face the board president in class after lunch (which was when we were supposed to have our meeting) and it was just awkward. I felt like a child.

On a superficial level, I feel like I haven't seen one good photo of myself in a while. I know that the numbers on the scale have gotten a bit lower, but I look like a fatass when I see pictures of myself. I become disgusted with my lack of progress. I see girls who weigh twice what I do look better in pictures than me. And as mean as that sounds, I feel like I'm entitled to at least one good photo. My hair is greasy and my bangs are growing back in a really awkward way since I haven't had the time to cut them. My eyes, the ones I always got compliments on from my family as, "bigger than most asian eyes," are swollen from lack of sleep and my skin's been breaking out. And it's worse than I last remember. They're all over my forehead and are showing up around my nose, my cheeks, by my eyes, by my hair--it's disgusting. I just look disgusting.

My mom also snapped at me the other day for talking to her, "in the wrong tone," which angers me because she just did an eye for an eye by criticizing me for it. And now she's being a mega passive aggressive bitch to me and I just feel like an inadequate daughter. I hate that she has the power to make me feel like scum within a matter of hours. She lowers me and doesn't pick me up because she, like so many others, trusts that I can do that on my own.

But sometimes, I can't. I just can't pick myself up. I need someone to talk to, but I never find that I can talk to someone without fear of judgment. I can't trust anyone and it pisses me off that someone so strong and independent as I am can feel this weak.

Fuck being "only human," I'm not okay with feeling like this.

Dumbb

So, I thought I posted about my boy-related dilemma a few weeks ago, but apparently it just saved as a draft. Now that I read it, I am laughing uncomfortably and will choose not to disclose it in all its angsty glory. I will, however, give you a short excerpt of it to set the context for this post. Here are some parts of it that I just threw together:

"I know that a lot of people would say that they enjoy the feeling of a crush or liking someone, but personally, I hate it. It's so fucking annoying and I can't shake the feeling and it's not quite at the, "I like you" stage but I can feel myself getting there and just UUUUGHH. It's so much unnecessary emotional baggage that I prefer not to have in my life. It bothers the crap out of me knowing that I can be so weak and vulnerable to paranoia and jealousy.

And mind you, I don't like him that way as of now. I don't feel inclined to start a romantic relationship with him. I'd just like to platonically get to know him better mentally and emotionally, is all. I enjoy his company and that's really what makes our current friendship great. And yet, I still freak out about having offended him or annoying him or not be adequate enough to speak to him. I don't even know what is going on with my brain right now. It's being a dumbass. I want him to like me and I want him to acknowledge that he enjoys my company.

Whatever. In a few months, I'll look back at this and think that this is the stupidest blog post ever because there is so much more to life than stressing over this. I've gotten into my dream college with a full scholarship and just got straight As this semester (89.56% in AP Econ HOLLAA). I'm the student body president of my school and won't have student loans when I graduate with a bachelor's degree. I'm graduating high school in 130-ish days and will have the best summer of my life. Why is this even relevant to anything?"


Well, IT'S BEEN, LIKE, 3 WEEKS AND I'M ALREADY OVER IT YAYYY. Of course, I don't feel this wave of victory over myself because I'm discontent with the current status of our friendship, but I'm glad that my questioning myself was a fleeting phase. Or is it? I really don't know.

He's been really distant lately and it's really noticeable. I don't know if it's because our conversations naturally have an ebb and flow type of thing going on, or if he's purposely cutting things short. I guess it just bothers me because we'd been having such wonderful conversations leading up to this point. Although, that's really selfish of me to be disappointed that someone won't speak to me in a way that I'd like them to. But I can't change my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Simply put, I think he's scared that I'm coming onto him (which, by the way, is totally stupid because I am an expert at disguising my feelings). I can understand the, "whoa why is this girl talking to me so much all of a sudden" feeling that he might get, but I've never said anything to suggest anything other than wanting to be better acquainted AS FRIENDS. We talked about music, for fuck's sake. Where's the romance in that? I don't know to be more disappointed in him for misinterpreting my goals or myself for giving that kind of vibe when it was not what I meant to give. Whatever. I'll lay low and do my own thing and if he wants to talk to me, he can. But I'm not wasting any more of my life contemplating bullshit.

I guess I should remind myself to do a follow up on this post by talking about my issue with men in general. Not misandry, necessarily, but a dip in confidence. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL REMINDER, FUTURE JUDY.

Quick Update

Quick update in the form of an email to my sister (which I actually wrote, but forgot to format for this blog. Too lazy to make it a blog post, so I'm copy/pasting for the sake of keeping records of myself).

I think I had food poisoning for a while because my friends and I made this ultimately epic casserole which consisted of these layers:

1 (bottom) = Macaroni and cheese with taco seasoning mixed in
2 = Lays Original Potato Chips
3 = Mashed potatoes
4 = Vietnamese seasoned pork (that super red pork that is kinda sweet)
5 (top) = Unrolled Pillsbury Croissants to cover the entire top of the casserole

Yeah. It was carbicide and I had maaany regrets. I didn't even eat that much! I had literally 4-5 forkfuls before my stomach started trying to kill me. I think the croissant was undercooked and I ate some of it since I was the first to notice it was undercooked (meaning I was the first to eat it and also the last since they put it back in the oven because of that).

I had a fever for two days and then it escalated into coughing fits also (with yummy orange mucus). Yeeahh. I would say, "never doing that again," but it was actually really fun and really good. I think it's one of the crowning moments of my senior year.

I've been hanging out more with friends lately, which I'm really happy with. The, "senior memories" I hadn't been creating all of the first 2/3 of first semester are being quickly made. I've been to Mainplace, Irvine Spectrum, The Block, Fashion Island, a hill-y type place in Newport Beach where I got to see a nice sunset, Chipotle (twice), ate macaroons for the first time since you brought some home from Paris (rose flavored, caribbean-chocolate flavored, and madagascar-vanilla flavored), I finished a Harry Potter puzzle with my friends while watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (which we didn't finish), I've gone to lunch with Pia and a Creative Writing teacher during school (don't worry, it was completely excused since we had to go to a nearby elementary school anyway to pitch Creative Writing's mentoring program. We just decided to have a quick lunch after), I was home sick and didn't go to school last Monday (first time in, like, 3 years! It was weird). And to celebrate finals (which ended yesterday) as well as my belated birthday/Christmas, my two best friends want to take me out to Disneyland sometime soon (for free! I guess they have connections).

Speaking of finals, I had 4 finals out of 6 of my classes (which isn't too bad). I know I'm secure with an A in Anatomy, Leadership, Journalism, and Spanish 5. I'm a little iffy on  AP Lit (I had a 91% before finals) but I'm pretty confident about how my finals went, so I guess we'll have to see. She also said she's making a grade curve 88% = A, so that makes me feel even better since I have more leigh way to drop (which I hope I won't, but that safety net is nice). I'm kind of done with AP Macroeconomics. The teacher literally didn't help me learn anything and his grades are wildly skewed as it is. Before finals, I had an 89.6% in that class. But I don't even feel that reflects my knowledge of econ. If my grade were to reflect how much I learned from this past semester, it'd be more like a D-. I don't think I'll be taking the AP test for this because it's a stupid waste of $64 when I could just take it has a general ed class in college, where I know it'll be paid for by Questbridge and hopefully it'll be a place where I learn this material more effectively. Of course, he's a new teacher so I can't be too harsh (but his AP test pass rate is 45%! That's not even 45% get 5's, 45% PASS, meaning 3+. My AP Bio teacher's pass rate last year was 98%).

The final exam for that class was meh. To get an A in that class, I'd need to get higher than my average before (89.6%), which I don't think I did. I talked to mom about it was she seemed a little disappointed, but she understood since she's seen me struggle. I really did try, though. I found Youtube lectures that are way better than his and I've stayed up trying to re-do problems he taught us to see if I can regain what he said in class. But every time I began to get something, he'd tell me otherwise. And every time I started to get something and I asked him a question to clarify, his roundabout answers have screwed me over and made me feel more confused than I was before. Granted, I could have definitely done more to educate myself, but even my friends couldn't help me and the teacher couldn't help me and I felt cornered and discouraged all semester. I know I'll have to deal with more of this in my lifetime, but as for now, I'm so done. I'm really happy it's second semester and that I have normal Government now.

I had my first instance of drama this semester, too! It made me cry for some reason (though I think it might've just been pent up stress as well and it was just the icing on the crappy cake). You remember Girl? The one Pia and I won against in the Junior Class election and then the one I got Editor-in-Chief over this first semester? Well, I had the feeling that she didn't like me but she never really made it more than passive-aggressive comments every now and then. She was also the one that, after asking my guy friend if I were going to pursue Broadcast journalism and him answering yes, asked, "but don't you have to be pretty to do that kind of stuff?"

Anyway, a week and a half ago (after I came back to school from my food poisoning), we had a dispute over FACEBOOK CHAT (which is so childish and I regret even acknowledging her existence online). It involved multiple people and teachers and ugh it was just a shitty experience.

But the storm is over and now I just don't interact with her much. We're on okay-terms now. As for this experience, I'm so over it. I just care about me, myself, and graduating. So yeah. Woooo fun and unnecessary high school drama! Glad that's over.

I'm sure mom already told you that she got a $500 scholarship award from school! For the record, I rewrote her short essay that she submitted and she got the award she deserved. Her story is hers and I'm really proud of her for being rewarded for it. She got two awards in one day! Two very selective awards, too. She was beaming the rest of the day and told me how her classmates we so shocked (and probably jealous). So proud of her!

So, yeah! We're the scholarship family in our clan. Pretty damn proud of how far we've all come given our circumstances. Not to say we're better than our cousins (since I love them and they're amazing), but we've definitely been raised to fight for every inch of our existence and that's something I don't see very often (in and out of our family) all with 1/2 of what most everyone else has been given in terms of parenting. Really proud of you and mom (and me, hehehehehe). We're going to end up somewhere big (like Tokyo. TOKYO) in the future and I'm excited to see us grow into well rounded people that will eventually repay back almost all of what Mom has done for us (since I don't think we can ever completely pay her back for all she's done).

I signed up for a free online Japanese class, but I've been busy and lazy at the same time. I got a 96% on my first vocab quiz, though! I know how to say car, desk, chair, policeman, teacher, student, international student, umbrella, magazine, newspaper, television, and computer! Haha, I told mom about it and she said I should spend more time learning how to say food-related things. So I learned how to say:

- Before-meal thanks (Itadakimasu)
- After-meal thanks (gochisou-sama deshita)
- Water, please (mizu, onegai shimasu)
- I'll have ________ (_______ - o itadakimasu)
- Have some (interjection where you initiate conversaton) (domo)
- Yes, you may have some (in response to someone asking you for your
food) (dozo)
- That's it! (Iijo desu)
- No, thank you (daijouboo desu. arigato)

Hope all is well in Japan!

My Year!

It's 2013 (obviously) and this is my first post! 2013 is also (I've decided) MY year! It's when I graduate from high school, move away from home, gain my own sense of self through independence, and start college! It's also when I hope to achieve some goals of mine.

Now, I know that I lot of these goals are really stereotypical of me to make, but there's just something different about this year. This year is my final year of being a child. Of course, I'll always be "a child" on the inside. I know I'll always be a child-like person. But my excuses of being childISH (there is a difference) will have gone out the window by September this year, when I turn 18.

I just thought I'd write down my goals so it's more solidified in my mind. Personally, making my thoughts physically available for my eyes to see seals more weight and authenticity to my goals and wishes. Idk, maybe that's just me. Here's my list:

+ I will lose weight and gain some semblance of muscle mass. 

Now, I know almost every girl my age is making that resolution, but here it is on mine nonetheless. For me, losing this weight isn't about just looking good. That's not the endpoint for me. The reason I want to lose weight is really to gain control of the one thing I never quite got the hang of: my body. I pride myself on being a person of self-control who has a good hand on a lot of things in her life. But weight's always been holding me back from truly being happy with myself and how I'm handling different aspects of my life.

Obviously, I'm not going to deny that this has any cosmetic purpose at all. OF COURSE I want to look good for graduation and college. Who doesn't want to look their best at occasions like those? But what I'm promising myself is that looking good should serve as more of a wonderful side effect of what I hope to achieve, which is that ultimate sense of self-control through physical (and hopefully mental) health and wellbeing. I also want really nice looking biceps and maybe even some abs (I probably won't get past 4 though. I'll shoot for two). Just gonna put that out there while I'm at it, haha.

+ I will think critically about my life choices which includes how I treat/perceive other people. 

I am NOT going to promise to, "be nice to people," because I know that I will definitely break that resolution. Instead, I resolve to reflect upon consequences either before or immediately after I act. I also want to permanently adopt the mindset of:

> If it's not affecting me in a harmful manner,
> If it's not affecting any of my loved ones in a harmful manner,
> If it's only inclusive of that specific person with/without CONSENTING others,
> If it's a well-thought-out personal decision or aspect of their life (made of their own inner conviction without outside coercion) that makes that specific person happier with their life,
> If it's something generally healthy and constructive (in THAT PERSON'S terms, not mine),

> If it's not affecting other people in a physically or psychologically deconstructive manner,

> Then who am I to judge?

For instance, perhaps my friend decides to get with a guy that doesn't approve of gay marriage (which opposes my own thoughts). My knee-jerk reaction may be: Wow, what a close-minded asshole. How can my friend even stand him on a daily basis? She deserves better.

HOWEVER: it doesn't affect me or my loved ones in a harmful manner, it's only inclusive of that guy and consenting others (his church, his political party, whatever), it's a personal decision that is personally constructive as far as I know (it may be a way to remain faithful to his religion or personal moral convictions), let's say he isn't lashing out against gay people and committing hate crimes and has several at least mostly well thought out reasons for his stance, WHO AM I TO JUDGE?

Yes, I might try and ask him further about his convictions, discuss his and my opposing viewpoints, or even engage in an argument (which I will define as: a respectful, non-personal verbal disagreement supported with reason and logic), but that STILL does not give me the right to judge him or devalue him as a wholesome human being. I can, in fact, choose to not associate with that aspect of his personality and still accept him as a person because that's exactly what it is: AN ASPECT of his personality. It shouldn't be definitive of him as person just like my judgmental nature doesn't encapsulate my entire essence as a human being.

Chances are, my friend liked him for his humor, his down-to-earth personality, and/or his ability to please her family members, etc. Why would I expend my own time and energy being mad at him (and my friend, by association) when I could be using that energy to embrace that we as humans have a fundamental right to our own intellectual thoughts and then engage in the miracle that is individual thought by striking a respectful conversation that may or may not be about his acceptance of a controversial topic? And if I really can't deal with it and no one is making me deal with it, then I could use that energy to walk away.

Of course, a breach of any of the criteria I listed above would result in judgment and/or scathing criticism on my part. For instance, if he lashed out at another friend of mine that identifies as a member of the LGBT community in a brutal manner that resulted from his anti-gay stance, then that would mean: that he is hurting a loved one, that he is no longer containing that aspect of his personality within himself and CONSENTING others, but projecting his hatred at someone that does not consent to his behavior towards them, that he is obviously not thinking his decisions out in a rational manner that would justify his actions, and that he is possibly psychologically damaging my friend. Then I would probably judge the SHIT out of him and perhaps even loathe him for a while. But again, I would use that energy to walk away instead of continuously harboring hatred for him.

I resolve to accept that I should only criticize that breach, not the person breaching because the person may be doing all kinds of good that I don't know of. Hate the game, not the player, in a way.

+ I will know my limits and know when to let go and/or walk away.

This is pretty self explanatory and can be applied to many things. In college, I will attempt to better know my limits in study time, play time, etc. Maybe this last semester of high school I will face something that isn't worth my time, and instead of trying to fight back out of stubbornness, I resolve let it go and walk away. Perhaps someone will lie to me and/or hurt me immensely. I resolve to know my limits and in turn either let go of the hurt and/or walk away.

+ I will learn to forgive.

I have super high expectations for myself and therefore hold others to my exacting standards as well (as they are all I know to be effective). And when people don't meet them within a specific amount of time I give them, I will deem them unworthy of a task in a project, or unworthy of my conversation time at the moment, etc. Again, I'm judgmental, harsh, and can be a heartless dictator sometimes.  But I can also be a nurturing director-figure. I know that I have the capacity to embrace the people in my life and accept that not all my judgments are right. So this year, I will learn to forgive others for dumb things they might have done, I will learn to accept that I am not perfect and shouldn't be in a position to judge anyway, and I will learn to forgive myself for my own trespasses and missteps.

+ I will remember my roots. 

I don't want to be that girl that drastically changes in college (for the worse). I am generally happy with the personality that I currently have and wouldn't want to exchange it for much anything. I don't want my quest for acceptance in a foreign and intimidating environment to reverse any evolutions my personality has undergone in favor of OMG I NED FRENDSZ.

So, yeah. I guess that makes five personal goals for 2013. Let's hope I can keep this up! Happy New Year, older Judy and select people that actually know I have a blog!

TOKYO, HERE I COME!

AHHHHH!! Okay, double post today, but yeah! This news comes sort of late since I knew about it a few weeks ago, but for Christmas, my sister bought me a plane ticket to Tokyo for a week during Spring Break! This is HUGE for me because not only was I embarrassingly Wapanese and a die-hard anime dork when I was younger, but I haven't been out of the United States since I was two years old (when I emigrated from Korea, and that doesn't even count since it was to the U.S, not away from the U.S).

So yeah! Apple is sending her there on a business trip and offered to give her a discount on ticket prices  for me and my mom, so we're going to visit her! She leaves in a week or so, we leave in March/April-ish. Auuughkjlakjjklafjklfakfkjladkjlfa.

I'm just waiting for something bad to happen, because I've never had it this good. I'd never dream that I'd visit Japan so early in my life. I didn't think I'd get out of the U.S to travel for leisure until I "made it" at age 30-something and had enough money to get out. AND to have gotten into my top university? I can't even fathom how it's wound down to this.

I'd like to say it's because I've been the best person I could be, but that's not true. Honestly, there were many moments where I was this ugly ball of brat. But I've always generally had good intentions and worked hard when needed. I think that and of course my connections to a sister equally dedicated to working hard, is what has gotten me here.

What I'm living right now seems like an overly-dramatic-overly-great-life of a diary entry I would have written in 8th grade after crying because of something stupid to make myself feel better. But it's real. And it's just magical.

Of course, like many things, I won't relax and feel it hit me until it actually happens, but nevertheless, the prospect is just ASKLFJSALKFS.

Girls Hate Girls

You know, I'll be the first to admit on here (wow, go Judy! Being the first to say something on your own blog!) that I've "hated" some girls. In fact, I think I still do. It's and ugly and shameful part of me that I prefer not to expose to the public, but it's there.

Anyway, it doesn't come as a shock to me because not only was I raised to obtain certain measures of my own personal worth, those measures are often unachievable--so when I see another girl like me and see myself in her as she achieves something I wish to achieve myself, I feel bitter, insecure, and wish horrible things upon that girl.

I repeat: this isn't something I wish to glorify by making internet-public. It's shameful to hate someone for any reason. It's just ugly and doesn't do anyone any good at all. But that doesn't mean it's not part of the human experience. It's part of our humanity to have the wonderful capacity to love as well as the capacity to muster up so much emotion as to hate another human being.

Anyway, I've been thinking on and off about it for the majority of today, and I've come to the simple conclusion that all "girls hate girls" because of the insecurity implanted in our heads from Day 1. We're raised to feel insecure about ourselves by being introduced early to things that society will eventually use to enslave us (such as beauty, popularity, the pursuit of romance, etc). It's no surprise we get jaded and bitter when we see another girl: that has a better body, is liked better, gets more attention, achieves something.

It's not because we hate her, it's because we begin to feel a growing insecurity about ourselves and the only way we can conveniently channel this feeling of inadequacy is to project hate and loathing onto another person. Instead of motivating myself to work out and get a better body, or work harder to achieve something, I find myself wishing that that girl would lose what she had achieved.

I know, I know. That's a terrible thing to wish upon someone. But as someone who has her daily dose of self-deprecatory thoughts, my cornered mind can only be so humane in knee-jerk reactions. Put simply, it's the easy way out to wish that the past would reverse itself so she would devolve into square 1 with me. Why can't I instead wish for me to catch up to square 2 as quickly as possible? Laziness, I suppose.

I'm not into the whole New Years Resolutions thing, but it's definitely a goal of mine to re-train my mind into thinking more constructively rather than the destructiveness it's been expressing so often this past year. It's not helping the girl I hate and it's certainly not helping me. Therefore, it's void in my life and should be swept away. And although I go into this acknowledging that it might be impossible to ever completely eliminate this knee-jerk reaction, I'll do my best!

Wow, long time no blog. Uhh I'm just going to quickly run over some things that happened since my last post.

November 27th: Dante Basco Q&A Event.

We had a good number of people show up. I'd estimate about $600 worth of profit that will be donated to the Make a Wish foundation! He was really chill and made lots of eye contact with me. He even remembered my name! My Creative Writing teacher was starting to get really dodgy and began developing an inferiority complex since I gushed so much about Dante Basco around him. Resolved that over Spiderman Cheez-Its and a nice thank you note from me. He cried.

November 30th: Questbridge Scholarship Acceptance.

Accepted into USC's Annenberg School of Communications and Journalism on a full ride. Saw the acceptance on my Questbridge account at 2:00-ish after school on Friday, read the first line three times, and screamed. My mom got scared and thought I was on fire or something. We hugged three times. Lots of public congratulations that made me feel surprisingly more uncomfortable than supported. Probably because my friend didn't receive the scholarship and she tends to hang around me often.

December 3rd: Received Phone call from Kirk Brennan.

Kirk Brennan is the Associative Dean and Director of Undergraduate Admissions at USC. He was really nice and called at around 4:40 (I was still in conservatory). I had some questions that he couldn't answer, but I assured him it was fine. He referred me to other people and sent me an email a day or two later offering me a potential job in his admissions office come fall semester. Jackpot!

December 7th: Helped plan/execute surprise birthday party for friend + denied blood donor-ship

It was pretty stressful, but we blindfolded and headphone'd her and led her on a wild goose chase that ended at BJ's where we paid for her dinner (pizza, pasta, pizookies, whatnot). She was having a pretty stressful day beforehand, so I'm glad we eased her stress. Her stress stemmed from the Blood Drive, which is when I was DENIED donor-ship because apparently I don't weigh enough in relation to my height (5'1" must be 130+ lbs). I didn't know if that was a compliment, an insult, or a joke. But whatever. I either have to grow taller, gain weight, or never give blood ever. Great.

December 10th (now):

It's Boy's birthday on Wednesday! I asked him a month ago and he replied without hesitation, and luckily I remembered it. I wrote him a short card and got him Sour Punch Straws (since he only picked out sour candies during our buddy lunch) and made him a soda tab bracelet. I hope he likes them! He is still wandering around alone when I see him on campus. I hope he's still enjoying his middle school experience nonetheless. I'm giving his present tomorrow!

That's about it for now! I'm job-searching currently so I can make some pocket money for college so I don't have to rely on my mother financially when I'm there. Hopefully I'll find one by January. Wish me luck!