Okay, it really bothers me when people have so little respect as to at least attempt to cover up their disappointment for a moment to be happy for you. I understand that when you don't get what you want, it's not a good feeling--especially if it's someone you know that gets it instead. But can we just be real here and say that I was raised to either bring up the matter to the appropriate person in complete privacy away from the ears of others if I think it was a huge mistake or shut my dirty little mouth when I don't get something and instead reflect on why I may not have gotten it so that perhaps I can learn from my experiences.

If I don't get something I want, I'll be the first to openly admit it: I fucking hate myself. I hate everything and things just fall apart for the rest of the day. But you know what? I learn from it. I internalize that loathing for myself and realize that perhaps it was a miscommunication of my own mind. I then realize that perhaps it wasn't hate this whole time, but the result of having to silence my hopes and dreams for just a while longer as they struggle to stay within the confines of my heart.

And you know what? Despite all that I will still manage to smile the best I can and congratulate the person who received whatever I didn't. Even when I expect to get what I want all the time, I force my pride down my throat until all that can flow are shallow words of congratulations. As I should.

Even when people tell me, "congratulations" in a maybe-not-so-honest way, I thank them because I know it takes a lot to separate yourself from your failure. And I hope that others feel the same way if I ever congratulate them (though, mind you, I do my best to sound sincere).

It just pisses me off when I see peers my own age with their pouty lips and foggy angry eyes stare at the wall and refuse to communicate with anyone. Do that in the safety of your own room, okay? I don't care--cry and scream when you're home alone the next night or something, but don't you dare take away the joy of that other person because they obviously possess some form of merit to have gotten something you didn't. They probably worked damn hard to get something in the first place and don't need anymore bullshit once they've gotten there.

I feel like I had my sigh of relief stolen away from me.

COMMON APP POST

After a few days of panicking about summer homework, my future, and my life in general, I am back! I know you all missed me sooo much. All 3 of you (cue laughter track).

Anyway, it's been quite the confusing week. Common application opened up a few days ago and ever since, I've been weeping inside. Though honestly, besides the whole essay writing ordeal, I can't see much pain in Common App's process. Maybe I speak too soon, but the application part of it (entering your personal information, etc) is actually enjoyable for me. But that might just be because I've always loved filling out applications (I used to make applications for everything as a kid. EVERYTHING).

The essays are going to be a pain, though. I just know it. It's even more stressful because it's the biggest part of my application that will make or break acceptance. Actually, that's a lie. They're going to start by weeding out bad grades and stuff, so I'll probably be rejected or deferred (wait listed) on that basis if it came to that. But if another applicant were on the edge and I were also on the edge of acceptance and rejection, it'll most likely be our essays that set us on either side of that admissions line.

I just hate to think that my essay is worth so much. True, this is kind of a blessing in that I can use it to my advantage...but what if I can't? What if my best isn't good enough?  asklfjasklfjakslfha

I'm going to self-medicate with ice cream, now.