I'd say I'm a fairly awkward person when it comes to romance. But I've watched enough movies and seen enough of my friends' experiences to know vaguely what should be occurring during times of courtship. And let me tell you, some people are REALLY crippled when it comes to flirting.

I was at the mall the other day finding a gift for a birthday party I was going to and stopped at a charm kiosk where they were making custom jewelry and such. There was this guy there that was waayyy too touchy-feely for my liking. I'm not even sure if he was just trying to sell the merchandise or rub his junk on me but either way, he was NOT doing it right.

I guess this is turning into one of those, "What Judy likes" things. You know, the stuff that my multiple admirers will obviously look up so they can get to know me better.

Seeing as there won't be any of THOSE soon, I guess I'll divulge.

I am a huge fan of subtlety. I know coming from a loud ball of charisma that sounds strange, but I really do value subtlety. It makes me listen closer to what people are saying and read deeper into them whereas if they're obnoxious and putting it all out there, there's no reason for me to do anything. Subtlety keeps things interesting.

I like shy/awkward guys a lot. I have a giant geek-fetish. Intelligence is sexy, what can I say? I'm more likely to sustain a prolonged crush on someone who blows me away with an answer they give in class versus someone who got a really nice haircut. I like when I feel like I have something to learn from people.  Eloquence is also sexy.

Another reason I like shy/awkward people is because they are chock full of surprises. One moment they're seriously explaining something to you and the next, they're going insane at the mention of Star Trek or something. I love to see so much passion. I love being the person to draw out the excitement from people like that.

I don't like when guys are too apathetic. While some mystery is nice due to the lack of information shared, it gets super annoying after a while. Especially when I pick up that they're being fake with their apathy so I'll like them more.

Speaking of which, I dislike fake guys. I mean, some clumsy enhancements are endearing, but suddenly turning into a giant jackass in an attempt to appear cool does nothing but disgust me. I really don't like when people pose as someone else because I don't feel like I'm getting to know the real them.

I like a guy with a sense of manners. By this, I don't mean they have to place a napkin on their laps before eating and they have to eat EVERYTHING with cutlery. Basic hygiene and styling goes a loooong way. Oh and speaking of which, I don't like strong Abercrombie-ish scents. Again, subtlety. Basic knowledge of the art of conversation is also nice.

Of course, I like people with a sense of humor. But it should be witty and tasteful. By this, I mean timed just right. People who know societal cues or if they don't, say something embarrassing that's cute. I place a lot of value on wit. Wit is different from just being funny because wit is timed perfectly and plays off of something said in the conversation or introduces something hilarious to the conversation. I love when people can pull it off.

WOOO 10TH POST OF THE MONTH (I totally didn't do this for the sake of making the number of September posts a nice number what are you even talking about)

UGH U.C APPS COME OUT SOON. AKLGHAKHFFAHFKASJFSJAKLFAJKLF

Things I wish I could have said today but didn't because I would cause more trouble than I'm willing to actually deal with. So I'll just hold in my negative emotions and dump them here where they won't hurt anyone.

These are directed toward different people, in case you wanted to know.

You are so ungrateful for everything I do for you. Do you even understand how much it hurts me when you treat me like you're so high and mighty floating above my head at all times? Get over yourself. Honestly, I don't understand what I could have possibly done to deserve this shit from you after my dedication to our work together. You bother me a lot.

When you tell me not to call someone stupid because, "it's mean and subjective", you're being subjective with your opinions. What if they're really stupid? Or they're stupid to me? That reality is subjective. I have just as much right to call someone stupid as you do to call them smart or, "nice". Stop acting like a six year old. If I say something, I shouldn't have to have you being my mom all the time. Why should I have to see the good in people 24/7 when they obviously don't currently display any merit? And no, I won't keep these thoughts to myself. Stop trying to oppress me. You piss me off with your elementary school values. And guess what? I don't care if people have it worse in public schools. There are stupid people everywhere. Doesn't change the fact that they're stupid and that they exist.

I am so glad that one we graduate I never have to speak to or see you again. You are seriously the biggest pain in the ass ever. Just accept that I've already proven myself better than you on multiple occasions and give up. You're not being ambitious. You're being annoying. Ambition is striving to obtain something that might seem like a daunting feat. What you're doing is whining over not obtaining something that's already been obtained. By me. I'm withdrawing an entire application from a college because I know it's your top choice. I hope I never have to deal with you again and I hope that in the future people see just how two-faced you are.

Your sense of humor is the dumbest thing ever. I made better jokes as a sleepy 5th grader. Your entire sense of humor is based on shoddy puns and jokes only you seem to get. Stop before you embarrass yourself any further. I hope you end up surrounded by the people that laugh at your jokes because then you can continue floating around in your ignorance without annoying others that actually value wit. You make me ashamed of being the same species as you.

I don't even know you anymore. You need to stop being an ungrateful piece of crap because I don't even want to be your friends sometimes. I used to think of you as a close friend but I am seriously reconsidering. You bother me and don't even have the balls to apologize for how you wronged me on my own birthday. I hope all your friends abandon you one by one so you realize just how good you had it before you became a giant douchebag. Have a nice life.

I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to regain some faith in humanity, I always have to prove myself wrong. I honestly just want to get away from here. I'm tired of seeing the same people day by day and doing the same things over and over again. I want something fresh--something new.

I just want to go to college already. My friends and family are great, but I want to meet new people and have a social life and be more and more intellectually enriched day by day. I don't want to be the person from whom people ask for help on their homework or classwork. I want someone to explain something new and interesting to me and discuss sophisticated and controversial topics with me. I want someone new.

I want to leave and come whenever I please because, hell, it's my own damn life. I want to do something different every night and I want to experience as much as I can. I don't want to be stagnant and rot here in a stew of needless stress and drama.

My school is known for being tolerant and fresh and talented and hip and strange and whatnot, but it really isn't that fantastic. I mean, there are wow moment, certainly. But underneath it all, they are all just husks of whoever they saw on television or on the internet. It's just so frustrating to hear them repeat things to me that I'd read once before online or from a book or from a mental stash of overused quotes. They are just so fake and try so hard to be real. It's maddening.

And perhaps this is just teen angst. In fact, it probably is. But I'm not even going to try and fight myself back on this one. Because I've had enough bullshit for the entire school year. I am angry and pissed and frustrated and continually disappointed in my peers and yes, even my family sometimes. People need to seriously get their shit together because I don't want to be the one to pick up the pieces this year.

I can't wait until I graduate and get away from this dull place. There is just so much negativity and the worst part is that I'm negative now as well. Not because of a direct action (ex: someone punching me in the face and telling me I'm a worthless piece of crap) but indirect action (ex: being pouty and unnecessarily pissed at me and passive aggressively channeling all emotions). I'll admit that I've had my share of passive-aggression, but I try not to make it affect more people than necessary.

I want to meet new people with a clean slate and just interact in a pure and enlightening manner. Is that so hard to ask? I hate being tied down to some of the people here. Maybe I don't want to be the one cracking all the jokes and maybe, just maybe, I deserve some measure of respect. I don't know, sounds difficult to process, right?

I hate everyone.

I hate when people act like they were so obviously coddled by their parents. I guess as a younger sibling that sounds contradictory, but my mother never really continuously favored me over my sister or vice versa. I was taught to behave with courtesy to others and to have respect for everyone and while I act out of turn at times, I still maintain those values and have the decency to try and reverse whatever wrong I'd done.

It just frustrates me a lot to see people doing things like they own the place or speaking as if they own whatever words slither off their tongues. I mean, I know some people weren't as fortunate to receive the discipline my mother passed onto me, but you'd think that peers of my age would have been exposed to society enough to know the general code of conduct. Which, to me, indicates that:

1) They are just stupid and can't grasp societal norms
2) They know how to conduct themselves in a respectable manner but choose to ignore it out of their arrogance

both of which are irritating and inexcusable unless the person had been living under a rock their entire lives. Common courtesy should already be engrained in the mind by this age. It's a pity that some continue to act the way they do because they aren't always going to be under the title of Momma's Little Prince or Daddy's Little Princess. That isn't going to get them anywhere and I just want to shake them and let them know that being Daddy's Little Princess is not going to get them a successful, long lasting career.

Are manners really that difficult to acquire? I don't understand.

In other news, today was the first day of the Avatar Club I started! There were about 50-ish people and it was so amazing and humbling to see people that shared a common thread of interest. We talked about the club and introduced ourselves and began watching part of the first episode. I wish we had more time to finish it, but alas, the bell rang and we had to leave. They clapped for me and my council and everything! It was awesome to see and hear their reactions to the episode as well. I can tell that this is going to be a good club. I just hope this will continue into the semester as well as the year! Heck, for many more years to come at OCSA, long after I'm gone!

I also met Boy again (I've just decided to call him Boy) today! He is so nerdy and sweet. He is also probably a child prodigy as he is in middle school and is in an orchestra I didn't join until my freshman year of high school. He made an effort to begin a conversation or two today and that made me really happy! He also attempted some eye contact, which was a gesture I found very sweet and brave (knowing he's a pretty shy person at first).

I think generally, my "obsession" as my friends call it, is over. Seeing him doesn't fill me with an inexplicable joy that makes me want to soar through the air, but he still brings a smile to my face and I feel lighter. He makes me feel calmer. Like if you were super angry and someone handed you a fluffy puppy to hold.

I'm quite content.

Oh wait no I have an AP Econ rant. But that'll come next post.

Today was a very "meh" day. It was cloudy outside and I couldn't see the sun, but yet it was still really humid outside. It irritated me more than anything.

I went to school and sat through Anatomy--going through things I'd already learned last year (macromolecules, funn). Then I had Leadership. I'm in High School Dance Squad, so of course we're always pretty busy. But as much as I love planning events and such, I miss the relaxation of Publicity Squad last year. I feel as if I'd enjoy my current squad a lot more if I didn't feel so isolated.

To explain, I'll start by saying that about three-quarters of the squad was pre-chosen at the end of last year. They also happened to be part of the same friend group/clique. When I was first put into the squad, they had already known where the venues were, what the general themes were going to be, and the general idea and layout of each dance. They're basically all friends with each other and it makes me feel like an add on--as if I was brought into the squad not for my creativity and charisma, but for my capacity to get work done efficiently and my love for organization and budgeting.

It's frustrating to work with people that have already decided something and of course, agree with each other because they're all friends. I hadn't felt that lonely in a while. I'm just tired of pretending to be comfortable and pretending to be okay with things when I'm not. I know it's too late for me to transfer out of the squad, so I guess I'll have to tough it out for the year. It's not like I have to see these people again after this year.

I feel so fake when I have to smile and say, "yeah" all the time. And don't get me wrong, I've done this plenty throughout my life, but meeting the new middle school boy made me realize just how skewed my view of myself and others are. I am more conscious than ever of my drive to be liked and accepted by my peers--enough for me to suppress my emotions and opinions in times of stress and conflict with people I'm not fantastically acquainted with.

The worst part is: I'm not brave enough to change myself. It's just that it's the last year of high school with these people and they've known me to be goofy and amiable for the majority of my stay here. To do a quick 180 and tell certain people that I'd prefer not to be in their presence is too daunting for me. I'm shamefully attached the others' approval of me and without it, I feel as if I'm not a defined person.

This is one of the bad sides of myself, I'd say (one of many). As much as I may deny it, I thrive on the opinions of others and often look for my own personal definition of myself in the words of my peers and my family. I don't really have my own opinion of myself. They're all mirror images of what I've been told by others in the past. I do things because they please others or don't do things that might displease others. But are they pleasing/displeasing to me? I don't even know anymore.

In many ways, despite the fact that I'm a senior in high school and young friend is in middle school and brand new to the school I've been attending for the past 6 years, I feel as if I have so much more to learn from him. Not in terms of academic things (though, he's probably a lot more cultured and literate than I am since he reads a lot), but in learning how to accept myself and be able to read a book all alone in the middle of the breezeway because perhaps I just don't care what other people think if I did.

Instead, I continue to smile and continue to assure others that they are correct and, "I can see how you could come to that conclusion" when in reality their opinions are filthy pieces of rehashed crap. It frustrates me.

I want to spend a day reading with him (different books, of course). I just want to keep in touch with my introverted side and find the calm he displays so often.

I know I've been really rant-y lately. So I'll make a cheerier post today!

So I was having a crappy day of people being generally incompetent and uncooperative (that's what you get for being Editor-in-Chief of a school newspaper, you know? But it's okay. I expected it.) And I got to my next class and just started realizing how superficial and misinformed my peers are. It made me lose a lot of faith in original thought (or at least, attempt at original thought). I also felt really behind in the class because it is, after all, and AP class and personally feel that we should be learning a lot more pertaining specifically to the AP test, but it just wasn't happening.

But then I had lunch with a middle school boy that was new to my school and ended up regaining some hope in my generation. It was just an overall pleasant experience. It was an oasis of literacy in a land of YOLO. He's in 7th grade and was reading Lord of the Rings and The Looking Glass Wars and spoke so formally. True, he wasn't the most socially skilled person in the world. But in a society filled with people vying for the spotlight, it was so nice to experience someone comfortable in their own skin--caring more about epic adventures of ink on paper than meeting a girlfriend and being the most popular person ever.

Some of my friends say I'm a bit too obsessed with this boy (whose name I won't mention, for obvious reasons). However, I think it's because it's one of those you-have-to-experience-it type of things. I guess if I want to get really psychological with this, I'd say I'm so intrigued by him because he is just this exaggerated manifestation of my own introversion as a middle schooler new to the school. By sitting with him and speaking to him, I feel as if I'm connecting with a side of myself that I've continually shoved down my own throat so that I would be liked.

I, believe it or not, was an introvert before coming to the school. For the most part, I found the entire OCSA adjustment to be a terrifying and emotionally exhausting experience. But I forced myself to shine with the same light that other members of my class emitted as best I could so I could make a name for myself here. Alliances, Allies, Friends, Peers, Comrades, Acquaintances--I needed them all. And being quiet and reading Harry Potter was not going to get me anywhere (or so I believed as a middle schooler).

Put simply: I see fragments of myself in this boy if not new, improved fragments of what I could've been. When I look in his eyes, I know he doesn't seek to throw himself at everyone's face. He is at peace with himself and his existence here. As far as I can tell, the ladder to popularity isn't even acknowledged. Or if it is, it's not priority.

Some of my friends think I'm really creepy for wanting to use everything I can to make him feel comfortable and wanted. However, I don't think it's creepy at all (well, perhaps only just a little). The reason being that upon closer self introspection, I think I care about him so much despite not knowing all too much about him because

1. I've already idealized him. This part's obvious and easy to guess.
2. Since I see him as part of my 7th grade self, I guess I feel a sense of duty to comfort my younger self here at OCSA before I leave. I want to make peace with that side of me before I leave this place and I think that being with him and being his companion would ease that side of me that still seeks so much attention. I felt so calm and serene with him there, like I didn't even need to try.

We spoke of conservatory and briefly about the book he was reading (as I had read it when I was about his age) and he was just so eloquent. Curt, but eloquent. And although there were moments of silence in which he read his book and I finished up an email I had to send, it was so comfortable (for me anyway, haha). It was as if we'd known each other for a while and didn't mind each others' presence. I mean, we weren't ecstatic and delighted to be in each other's presence. It was more so that we found a different kind of calm in that silence.

I can't exactly describe how valuable our conversation was to me. He was Memoirs of a Geisha in a sea of Stephenie Meyer fanfiction. He was, "Hello. How are you doing today?" in a land of, "Hi (: wat r u doin?"

And I'm not trying to say that people who don't read LotR for fun are dumb shams of people (after all, I myself have yet to read the LotR series), but it was just so refreshing to see someone so fresh, pure, and so different from anything I'd seen at this school in a long time. Seeing him makes me smile and remember that there are still thoughtful, genuine people in the world that don't necessarily consider it top priority to seek the validation of others.

The same validation that I sought so desperately. Everything I see in him that reminds me of me makes me even happier that he's not showing signs of my own 7th grade self--with paranoia and desperation swimming in my eyes. His eyes are relaxed, calm, and so much older beyond his years.

In short, my day after that has been fantastic. My only regret is that I have yet to see him smile or laugh. I'd really like to see it before I graduate, because even if he is comfortable with who he is, I'd like to see him step out of his own little shell at some point (unlike me, who just ripped my shell off my back and desperately sought approval).

Overall, today was nice. Today was really nice.

Rant about dating and paying for stuff!

So it's Homecoming at my school in less than a month and I overheard some girls talking about roping guys into being their date so that they don't have to pay for their tickets.

/DEEP BREATH

Okay, that is the stupidest most manipulative piece of shit I've ever heard. Unless a guy specifically offers to buy your ticket, why would you assume that he should be the one to pay for it? I don't care if it's because, "he's the guy" and you're, "the girl". What is this, the medieval times? Get over yourselves.

Honestly, that kind of stuff pisses me off to no end because girls are always complaining about being treated like trash and wanting equality but still want guys to open their doors, pull out their chairs, buy them stuff, and ask them out and stuff and let me tell you: that is NOT equality. That is sexism.

Guys are humans, too. They don't owe you anything just because they have an extra something in their pants (and I'm not talking just wallet, either). If they do "nice things" out of their own free will, fine. That's their decision. But I'm pretty sure if a guy hounded you to buy stuff for him and do things for him without him explicitly asking, you'd be confused and pissed off too.

If anything, accept his offer to buy the tickets and offer to buy dinner. Or offer to buy dinner and ask him to buy the tickets if it's a financial burden to you. Or just don't go to the dance. There are many civilized options available besides asking a guy to a dance and assuming that equals a free ticket. Why don't you ask a guy to the dance based on his personality and/or the way he treats you and others? Why does it have to be because you'll force him to buy a dance ticket?

What if he's financially disadvantaged? What if he really really likes you but doesn't want to ask you unless he can afford to pay for both tickets? And now you're gonna trap him in an uncomfortable situation. Really, I'd expect some girls to at least have the capacity to consider guys individually versus assuming they're all rich, have a job, or both. Prince Charming is rarer than you'd like to think.

That also brings me to the, "guys always have to pay for the first date" thing. I asked my sister about it and facepalmed through my face when she told me that, "of course the guy would have to pay for the first date if he's going to occupy some of my time".

WHAT. You know, I love my sister...but that is also the dumbest piece of crap I've ever heard. If anything, more of the guy's time is used up on a girl because he has to:

1. Mull over how he's going to ask
2. Make sure he can afford it
3. Set up dates and times when he's available
4. Actually ask the girl out
5. Actually go out on a date with her.

Whereas the girl may or may not use her time like this:

1. Like the guy or don't like the guy
2. Respond to date invitation
3. Go on the date and talk (without paying (according to my sister)).

I mean, come on. I don't mean to sound like that whiny, "I hate girls and I'm not like any other girl", but ladies: SPLIT THE CHECK. The poor guy's probably been through enough already. And what if it turns out you don't like him? Or it doesn't work out? Imagine blowing your money on a date that didn't work out. It must SUCK. So split it for good measure.

Or if he ABSOLUTELY INSISTS on paying for it, show that you care enough about his feelings to offer to buy the next time (this situation implies that the first date went well). This is also similar to paying for dinner on the night of a dance while the guy pays for the dance tickets.

It's not rocket science.

So I think if you've been reading enough of my posts, you've realized that this is mainly where I rant about stuff. So here, have another rant!

It was around today that it really hit home for me. Not all, but a surprising amount of my peers regurgitate the words of others almost verbatim and their conversational partner(s) seem to take that and regurgitate it again until they're basically saying the same opinion over and over again and pausing in between to laugh and agree with each other. It's a bit sad, to say the least.

This by no means is my discrediting using the opinions of others to strengthen your own opinion or formulate your own opinion, but using someone else's opinion without adding any of your own thoughts and then having your conversational partner basically parrot what you just said is NOT intelligent conversation. It disturbs me that people think they're having a legitimately, "deep" conversation through the rehashing of others' words.

Hopefully, college has less people like this. Or at least, more people not like this.

And also, my mother has this thing where she likes to periodically reassert her authority over me and although I love her with my entire being, it fricken pisses me off sometimes. Honestly, it only shows how childish she's willing to be to console herself when she feels down. And yeah, maybe I should make her feel better when she feels down, but she never lets me do anything when she gets pissy and so there's basically no way out of it. ARGH.

I also notice more and more that I'm getting less assertive in classroom discussions. Or, that is, I participate less even when I have something to say. It's strange and I can't really identify why I act this way now, but I do. So because I didn't get to fully assert my opinion in AP Econ today, I'll talk here.

So the premise of the situation is that the FDA can essentially make two errors: Type I and Type II. I will define them shortly.

Type I: They release a drug that may or may not be effective--resulting in the deaths of some people who have consumed it.

Type II: They take their sweet time testing and re-testing a drug before releasing it--resulting in the deaths of those waiting for the drug to be released.

As a logical person, I side with Type I. If there is a train filled to capacity heading for 4 people tied to a railroad track, would I change the tracks so the 4 people are spared and the entire train crashes into something, letting all the passengers perish? Or do I let the train run its course and kill the 4 people, sparing the 100-something people on board? It's a tough decision, especially since the value of life is entirely subjective. However. Based on numbers and a decision that HAS to be made, I'd choose the lives of 100-something to the 4 people on the tracks.

This applies to Type I and Type II. Type I may cause the deaths of those taking the drug, but this does not imply ALL of them will perish. What if it ends up being effective? There is a 50/50 chance of death, really (if not less, depending on the pharmacy). On the other hand, the Type II route leaves the patients with a 100% chance of death. They are ill and need medication that will not be released in their shortened life span. They are going to die.

So what now? Take the 50% risk of death/cure, or wait for the inevitable 100%? I think the choice is clear. Of course, this is a case-by-case type of thing. A patient shouldn't be forced to try experimental medication just as they shouldn't necessarily be forced to wait for medication that's been developed, but needs 2 more years to completely assure that it's effective.

If I were seriously ill and facing certain death under excruciating pain and circumstances, I'd take the 50% risk. If I had to make a choice, I'd rather have like 50 people die before the drug is shut down (because you know how quick the media would shut it down and tell people to stop taking it) than wait 2 years and have 2,500 die. Or what was the number in the article I read? 250,000?

250,000 patients die in a year in the USA. Just from waiting.

Just think about that objectively before you start spewing on about, "BUT OMG PEOPLE ARE GONNA DAAIIII" and, "OMG BUT WAT IF A MUTHR WAS PREGNAT AND DA BABY DIED 2", classmates. Because they will die either way. It's just a matter of logical choice. aksjhfjkasf

So last Friday, Pia and I were elected Student Body co-presidents, which is fantastic. It was quite pleasant to see our hard work pay off in the end. We also started conservatory! I'm quite pleased with my classes except to be completely honest, I sometimes tire of writing. I'm just at a point in my life where everything needs to be done quickly, efficiently, and in a method that's already been proven to work. There's really no room for creative writing in my life lately. I hate saying that since I know I can always make time, but I don't. I guess I'm scared that I won't be good enough and that whatever I write won't be like how I used to write in my, "prime" I guess I could say. I put it in quotations because that is a HIGHLY subjective use of the term.

This is also a reminder to myself to make a post about how absolutely and unnecessarily complicated and annoying boys can be and why they may be that way. All that aside, I don't really have much else of importance to say, so I'll fit in a quick rant before bed, I guess.

So today I wore my sister's dress. I sometimes borrow my sister's things or wear her hand-me-downs and whenever I do, I get complimented. Now, don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that my own outfits of choice are absolute crapfests of cotton and polyester. But it bothers me when people ask me what the occasion is in a way that makes me feel as if they think I wouldn't dream of taking the initiative to dress up every once in a while because I'm so obviously an unattractive, lazy-as-fuck person.

Mind you, this is all about how the question is being approached. If it's an honest question, then it won't bother me. It's when it becomes almost a sneer when it begins to bother me. So what if I look nice one day and so what if it seems out of the ordinary? I can do whatever the hell I want and wear whatever the hell I want to wear and shouldn't be questioned or looked down upon for it.

I understand I'm not the most girly person on the planet and I will never forgive myself for how dumb I'm about to sound, but I still like looking pretty, too. I still dress up at home and try my best to color coordinate and do things like that every now and then because I feel like it makes me special and gives me something to do when I'm bored and creative but don't have enough ambition to necessarily write a novel or create a lovely oil painting.

And maybe I just woke up feeling pretty and wanted to reflect that on the surface as well. What's it to you? Don't give me that sneer and ask why I look like a decent human being for a change. You have so many choices. You can tell me I look nice, ask sincerely if I have an event going on, or just walk away. Easy as that. There's no need for sarcastic quips about my appearances. It's unnecessary and chances are, I'll start distancing myself from you once I realize you have an unhealthy focus on my choice of clothing.