I'll write this down before I forget: I keep having Boy dreams lately. They're really pleasant, actually. It sounds super creepy and all, but it's nothing ever romantic or anything like that. It's always really pure and sincere. Perhaps it's to compensate for what I don't get much while I'm awake?

This past night, my dream was they school was out for the day and everyone was pouring down the stairs of my school (this included me). When I made it to the second floor, I saw Boy sitting with all his stuff spread out in the corner of the stair platform (the flat area where you walk before going down another flight). I was bewildered and was wondering whether or not he realized that he could've been pissing off tons of people, but he just sat and read his book. Then,  for some reason, I sat down with him. I took off my backpack and said what I usually say to him in real life, "Mind if I sit here?" then sat down once he nodded consent like he usually does.

Once I sat down, everything seemed muted and far away (referring to the people on the stairs). I could still see them walking down the stairs, but I couldn't hear them that well anymore. I wondered if Boy felt the same way then asked him when his birthday was (a replay of yesterday). This began the longest conversation I think I've ever had with Boy. I kept asking questions and his answers grew longer as he grew more comfortable with me around. And we just sat in the midst of the busy crowd, not caring.

It was really nice.

I jotted down some other dreams of Boy I had this past week. I don't remember all of them now, but they've been almost every night for these past two weeks. I think the more worried and society-conscious I get, the more I seek him or find him in my dreams. I can see the correlation.

In one particular dream, my friends and I were hanging out at the mall and found Boy wandering around all by himself. I said, "Hello, what are you doing here?" and he looked at me with fear in his eyes then shrugged so I said, "Well, now you're here to hang with us." and with that, we wandered around the mall not talking an awful lot, but not stuck in awkward silence either. It was really nice.

We then watched a movie. He left his seat to the right of me to go grab a snack and when he came back, his eyes were wild and excited, shoving a bag of popcorn and some candy bars in my arms (I guess they were his favorite and he wanted me to try them). He sat and we talked through the rest of the previews, becoming progressively more hushed as the movie began.

Afterwards, when my friends had to go home, Boy and I somehow found our way to this cozy basement at my school where we sat surrounded by books, taking a few off the shelf and reading lines to each other--laughing at the funny ones or when two of our lines lined up surprisingly well. I was astonished by how much he was laughing and how excited he seemed to be wandering around, but I was grateful for the emotion he was willing to show me knowing that younger kids might have a harder time opening up to a kid older than them.

In another dream, I was sitting in the corner of my school's computer lab, trying to get something typed and printed out. He opened the doors and perked up a little when he spotted my backpack, wandering over to the seat next to me and asking, "May I sit here?" which was a pleasant role reversal. He was happy to see me and that made me happy, too. We sat at our respective computers and just worked on things that needed to be worked on. There weren't many words exchanged, but it was so comfortable and wonderful. I felt at peace.

In another dream, Boy was looking for his puppy all day when I ran into him in the neighborhood. I asked him what had happened and he just looked at me despondently before returning to his house up the street. So I took a public bus to downtown Los Angeles and found his puppy by a canyon before taking the bus back the next day. In the morning, I knocked on his door and gave him his puppy back. He smiled a little at the puppy he held, closed the door behind him, and sat down on his lawn. I sat down with him and we played with his puppy as the sun came up. I was glad.

I find that I dream about Boy when I seek peace and solace. It seems to be working, which is good. I just hate when I forget and/or have the feeling obliterated by dumb people at my school.

So this week was pretty up and down. On Monday I was named a Questbridge finalist (yay) and so now I have to prepare apps for USC and Stanford by November 1st (double yay). I'm excited, but kind of bummed since I can't apply early action to any other schools. It was a giant risk I wasn't entirely aware of when I applied, but I guess I'll have to deal with it.

My friend also got finalist status and I really hope we get into where we want to go. The problem lies in that she put down the exact same school I did on her match application. I want to be a good sport and all, but I can't help but start feeling insecure after a while. I mean, I'd be happy for her if she got into USC, but if it were at my expense, I would honestly find it hard to swallow and would be angry (mostly at myself) for a long time. This is the same friend that asked me why I liked USC. And since this is my blog and my license to be an asshole, I think I deserve it more based on finances, career path, and just general love for the university. But whatever, we'll see.

Then I had shitty days of loneliness since one of my closer friends at my school had to stay home for the week. I realized just how much time I spent with one person and while she's great, the routine I'd gotten into was totally messed up and I just kind of floated through this week in a not-good way. But whatever. I found useful things to do with myself, which is good. I also got closer with a not-as-close friend which is fantastic since she's generally a really shy person and we managed to connect during conservatory.

I guess the prevailing emotion this week was loneliness and frustration. It wasn't a great week at all. But then again, there were ups, which is good. I just wished I hadn't had such low points along with them since happiness really is a choice and I just chose not to be happy most times. I think I need to learn to forgive myself and more importantly, others. It's not going to benefit me in the long run to be bitter at all of mankind but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling. I'll work on it.

At least I ended my week on a high note! I finally had time to talk to Boy long enough to ask his birthday! It is December 12th. I'd always suspected that he was a winter child. I thought: December, January, or July (don't ask why July). Anyway, I know that he doesn't have many friends his age so hopefully he'll forget he told me by December and be pleasantly (if not awkwardly) surprised by a birthday present and/or card.

I'm going over to a friend's house tomorrow to eat pizza and watch movies and I am so stoked since I've been needing this. Of course, it has to be after I work on my college applications, but still. This weekend is sounding better than this week so far.

So I sent my friend a part of my supplement for USC (about why I would like to study there, etc) and it talked about how great its journalism programs were, how I enjoy the idea of the Trojan family, the school unity/spirit there, the networking opportunities, and so on. And then today she talked to me about why she wants to apply to USC and gives me the EXACT SAME THING I SAID IN THE SUPPLEMENT I SENT TO HER and then has the nerve to ask me why I personally wanted to go to USC.

Can we not?

She obviously knew my reasons as I detailed them in the short response I sent to her and now she's asking me about how I feel about USC as if I were on the same field as her: just discovering what USC has to offer.

Please. I've been pining after this school since I helped my sister move in during her freshman year there five years ago. I've done my research and know more than vague bastardizations of what other people have told me about it. If anyone's been a close friend to me, they'll know why I admire USC and exactly why I want to go there.

It just bothered me that she asked so nonchalantly as if she were disregarding that this was my dream school that I had basically convinced her to apply to because I thought it was so great. I'm the one that got her into the idea of applying to USC and now she's going to turn the tables as if I needed any more convincing? Let's not.

Watch. In a few months I'm going to get rejected from USC and she's going to get accepted and talk to me about how excited she is to learn there when the program offered for her major ISN'T EVEN ONE OF ITS MORE RENOWNED PROGRAMS.

Yeah, yeah, lots of people want to apply to USC and it doesn't belong to just me, I get it. But it just bothers me when someone who has done nothing but scrape the superficial surface of something is suddenly into the same thing you've been into way longer than them and act as if you knew nothing. Like, really?

ALSO: Today someone in my AP Econ class asked if Quebec was in Canada and I almost killed myself. Then when told it was, he remarked, "Oh well I was just asking because it sounds French."

WELL SHIT, REALLY? IT'S NOT LIKE CANADA ONCE BELONGED TO FRANCE OR ANYTHING. OH MY GOD ARE YOU LITERALLY STUPID.

Ugh.

I AM SO WORRIED.

So. As I'm pretty sure I previously mentioned, I have this strange sense of sister-tiger protectiveness over Boy. I want him to be comfortable, happy, accepted, safe.

This morning, I saw Boy and he looked really sleepy and it was cute. I suppose I said his name a bit loudly because he flipped around really abruptly (and awkwardly) with his deadpan face. Then some girl semi-ran into him and made him stumble. It was hilarious and sad and I had to hold the door open for him since he was holding lots of books and looked really disgruntled. I asked him if he liked Harry Potter and he said yes. We talked briefly about Harry Potter, Jupiter by Holst (one of my favorite classical pieces), the Lord of the Rings club, what classes he had that day, etc.

Tonight was the Creative Writing Scarefest in which select writers had 48 hours to write a play under the theme of Halloween. And during intermission, I saw Boy. I said hello and he looked at me and said a silent "hi" but it was intermission and people were everywhere so I lost him in the crowd and didn't think to ask him why he was there. Seeing Boy tonight was strange for a couple reasons.

1. He doesn't have siblings in Creative Writing. He doesn't have any siblings, period.
2. He doesn't have friends in Creative Writing (except me) because he's a middle schooler.
3. He's a middle schooler. At a high school event.
4. He was all alone in the crowd, without any supervision.
5. He was wearing the same clothes he did when I talked to him this morning.
6. I didn't see him after intermission.
7. Yesterday, he wasn't picked up from school until it was late, since I guess his parents couldn't pick him up earlier or something.
8. When I saw him, it was around 7:30-8:00 PM.

I really hope he was with someone and just decided the Scarefest would be a fun event to attend for the first half because I am so worried right now. I know he's a smart kid, I just hope he has the street smarts/common sense to stay INDOORS until he gets picked up or whatever. I sincerely hope he is at home right now, safe.

I regret not stopping him and asking what he was doing at the event or at least ditching my friends momentarily to go see where he went because the last I saw of him, he was heading toward the doors. I would never want a child of that age to be alone in the streets of Santa Ana at nighttime. I should have asked if he wanted to see some plays. Or if he were already seeing them, ask him how he was liking them--anything so he wouldn't be alone.

I am pretty sure I'm overreacting but I will flip a bitch if I don't see him at school tomorrow.

          Whenever people ask me why I'm down or why I think my life is terrible, I'm left with nothing to say. First of all, I acknowledge that my life could be a whole lot worse, so I wouldn't feel comfortable justifying what a horrible life I lead. That's why I have this blog--often times so I can vent the things I'd rather not speak. Also, there wouldn't be enough time for me to even explain things in my life that bother me since I know the asker probably didn't intend to sit through my emo rants. I just feel really confused when people ask me to tell them about my feelings. I'm glad they take the initiative, but then again I know their initiative only goes so far.

          I feel inexplicably sad today. I'm not depressed, but I'm just really glum. Perhaps it's the weather that's changing my mood (though, I'm actually quite happy with where it's going). These kinds of moods are when I especially feel confused when asked how I feel. There are so many emotions that don't have words to them and I don't feel like making the effort to explain with words that fall short of what I'm feeling. I'm not sad, mad, or happy. I'm just what I'm feeling.

          I wish I knew what I were feeling. This sort of gloom is unsettling. It's times like these that I wished I'd read more psychology books in my youth. I loved them, but stuck to things like reading faces and how to say, "no" without offending people. I think I may have some sort of repressed anger, but I don't even know what I'd be angry at (hence, the "repressed" part of it). If I were to venture into it, I'd say that it's mostly frustration with myself for not looking as attractive as I'd want to be, not feeling as attractive as I should, and not being attractive in my heart and soul.

          Wow that sounded really cliche, but I'm just really unsatisfied with myself and so I seek the approval of others to validate what unsettles me about myself. I also seek assistance from my surroundings and as we're always taught that school is a tool for success and will always be there, I feel myself continually disappointed by the system set up to nurture me because it's hurting me. I feel confined and trapped and emotionally claustrophobic and everything is happening too fast and I'm losing control of things I should easily be able to control and I don't have enough time to think and when I have time to think I can't think of anything original because I'll never be good enough anyway so there would be no point to it all.

          I seek assistance from my friends and I am disappointed as well because my standards are too high and my willingness to be vulnerable and my self esteem are really low. I want them to understand that I know they're human but would appreciate some extra effort. Although...I don't give much effort myself so I'd be hypocritical to ask for something like that. But is it really too much to ask for? If I strip myself of society's standard of not making anyone feel bad, I'd say hell yes they should have some more consideration for me. I am important in that I feel unimportant. I should be priority. If I do something that makes my friends uncomfortable they should deal with it and understand that I'm just a big mess right now and don't have any energy left in me to think of anything but myself.

          I think Boy is the only thing in my life right now that keeps me sane. The one thing that my friends told me I was insane for fixating on is what is keeping me sane. My friends are supposedly the ones to keep me sane and away from strange fixations like Boy but it is so opposite. My friends and my  peers drive me up the wall and the only thing keeping me from crying at school everyday is seeing Boy and remembering that he is somewhat of a manifestation of a younger part of me that was truly happy if not for a little while. I enjoy him as an individual as well, but I can't help but continue to make that connection.

          I no longer discuss Boy with my friends because they think I'm some weirdo pedophile but honestly, why can't I appreciate Boy? Why does society have to criminalize everything? I have no romantic feelings for Boy and certainly no erotic feelings for Boy. I want to be friends with Boy. Is that so terrible? Is friendship only friendship if there is a 1 year gap or less between them? Who is to distinguish what is a friendship and what is not? I don't like that my friends have to continually grasp and parrot what society has told them: reject anything abnormal as it is wrong and different from yourself, and in the process, hole themselves up in their minds and refuse to widen their spectrum of vision.

          I hope Boy is doing well. I hope he likes our school or at least thinks it's tolerable enough to want to stay. I want him to be everything I'm not feeling right now. I want him to have everything because if I can't have it, I want to see someone close to me in spirit to have it instead.

          Dante Basco never emailed me back.

I AM SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW. Thanks to my friend John who claimed to have stalked my blog, I stalked my own blog when I found THIS OMFG.

http://pulchrabellum.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-almost-forgot-to-blog-about-weird.html

A BOY. FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. I COULDN'T SEE HIS FACE CLEARLY. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO FREAKY.

Is it that my dream was a premonition of me meeting Boy? If it was, then hot damn. I must be fucking magical.  But wow that is so weird. Wow that is so weird. Wow that is sO WEIRD.

Oh my god. My mind is reeling.

Speaking of Boy and dreams, Boy's been showing up in my dreams lately. He isn't even a main player in them; he's almost like an Easter egg. He's just present in the background and I see him for a split second before my field of view has to swing around back to the action.

For instance, in one of my dreams, I was standing at a doorway arguing with my sister about leaving for a trip when on the outside of the door (which was open), Boy was sitting with a few other boys playing a card game of some sort.

Then in another one of my dreams, Boy and I are in some sort of arctic tundra setting and we're on a steel ship. I arrived with my family and happened to spot him looking out a window with a big fur hat on that covered his eyes. I laughed at him and told him that he looked ridiculous, pushing the hat up and away from his eyes. And his eyes were almost ethereal. But then there was a commotion in another part of the ship so I apologize for leaving and ran the other direction. This whole ordeal felt like 2 minutes of the 90 minute run-time of my dream.

Last night was the first time that Boy was a significant part of my dreams. He and I were at a buddy event, but it was night time and we lived on campus (as did the other people of our school). He kept waking me up and telling me that he had to find something despite having already finished our buddy challenge. So we began searching for something I still don't really remember in a night lit only with old-fashion gas lamps with a rusty orange light revealing the path.

I kept losing him because he was running too fast and told him that he needed to slow down, to which he got really frustrated and grabbed my hand so I would run, too. When we came back, he ran up to this one boy with short black hair and kissed him. It was quite strange because it seemed like a complete non-sequitur. Perhaps he was looking for something that belonged to the other boy?

I wouldn't mind if Boy were gay. In fact, that would be kind of cute. Sad for his self-discovery in a world that still holds onto homophobia, but cute in that it makes him slightly quirkier than he already is.

Almost all my dreams of him occur in what seems like another era. It sort of spooks me. Maybe we were connected in another life or even another dimension. Bizarre.

In other news, my school's Homecoming is tonight and I'm not even going (despite having played a part in planning it). It was $60 and I could find better ways to spend that money, so I didn't buy a ticket. But I now feel twinges of regret because this past week has been amazing and a dance would have topped it off.

However, I do have homework to catch up on as well since I missed two days due to speaking at and working with the Freshman Retreat. Thursday's freshman were awesome; I really liked them. Friday's freshman were okay too...but I honestly didn't like them as much because during the senior performances they clapped at least 10 times during the Culinary Arts presentation. And it wasn't even a, "wow that's amazing! clapclapclapclap" applause. It was really snarky and sarcastic, almost. I didn't like that at all. It was so disrespectful. The presenter could barely talk. But it was nice overall and I got some candy out of it..soo....

DANTE BASCO CAME TO OCSA YESTERDAY. AND HE PROMISED TO COME TO VISIT THE AVATAR CLUB. I CAN'T.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voqEKiYE5pE

THEN HE POSTED THE VIDEO ON HIS TUMBLR AND FACEBOOK AND TWITTER. AJSHFJASKHFASHJFA

http://rufiozuko.tumblr.com/post/32946631369/judy-meeting-dante-basco-by-dena-odell#notes

OH MY GAD.

I GOT BOY TO LAUGH TODAY! Well, it wasn't exactly me that made him laugh, but he laughed! And it was amazing! Boy and I were sitting with a friend and his little buddy at a Leadership buddy event and when my friend's buddy mentioned that he liked ballroom dancing, I asked him what the difference between the waltz and the Viennese waltz was, to which he replied, "It's from Vietnam". I asked him to repeat that and started laughing. Then my friend (who is a senior as well) says, "No, it's from Vienna which is in Italy" (I think he was referring to Venice). Then Boy corrects them both by saying, "No, it's not! Vienna is in Austria!" and he LAUGHED.

We then proceeded to talk about Avatar: The Last Airbender together which was GLORIOUS. My friend's buddy was a little out of touch with the series, but in a really adorable way. Though, I could see Boy getting frustrated at the errors my friend's buddy was making pertaining to the series. This was very adorable in a nerdier way. His favorite character is Momo, which I don't really understand. I only liked Momo during his episode in the Tales of Ba Sing Se. Other than that, I don't feel like he contributed a lot to the series. Pabu is one thing from Korra that is better than the A:tLA counterpart, in my opinion. But Boy is still my favorite.