Whenever people ask me why I'm down or why I think my life is terrible, I'm left with nothing to say. First of all, I acknowledge that my life could be a whole lot worse, so I wouldn't feel comfortable justifying what a horrible life I lead. That's why I have this blog--often times so I can vent the things I'd rather not speak. Also, there wouldn't be enough time for me to even explain things in my life that bother me since I know the asker probably didn't intend to sit through my emo rants. I just feel really confused when people ask me to tell them about my feelings. I'm glad they take the initiative, but then again I know their initiative only goes so far.

          I feel inexplicably sad today. I'm not depressed, but I'm just really glum. Perhaps it's the weather that's changing my mood (though, I'm actually quite happy with where it's going). These kinds of moods are when I especially feel confused when asked how I feel. There are so many emotions that don't have words to them and I don't feel like making the effort to explain with words that fall short of what I'm feeling. I'm not sad, mad, or happy. I'm just what I'm feeling.

          I wish I knew what I were feeling. This sort of gloom is unsettling. It's times like these that I wished I'd read more psychology books in my youth. I loved them, but stuck to things like reading faces and how to say, "no" without offending people. I think I may have some sort of repressed anger, but I don't even know what I'd be angry at (hence, the "repressed" part of it). If I were to venture into it, I'd say that it's mostly frustration with myself for not looking as attractive as I'd want to be, not feeling as attractive as I should, and not being attractive in my heart and soul.

          Wow that sounded really cliche, but I'm just really unsatisfied with myself and so I seek the approval of others to validate what unsettles me about myself. I also seek assistance from my surroundings and as we're always taught that school is a tool for success and will always be there, I feel myself continually disappointed by the system set up to nurture me because it's hurting me. I feel confined and trapped and emotionally claustrophobic and everything is happening too fast and I'm losing control of things I should easily be able to control and I don't have enough time to think and when I have time to think I can't think of anything original because I'll never be good enough anyway so there would be no point to it all.

          I seek assistance from my friends and I am disappointed as well because my standards are too high and my willingness to be vulnerable and my self esteem are really low. I want them to understand that I know they're human but would appreciate some extra effort. Although...I don't give much effort myself so I'd be hypocritical to ask for something like that. But is it really too much to ask for? If I strip myself of society's standard of not making anyone feel bad, I'd say hell yes they should have some more consideration for me. I am important in that I feel unimportant. I should be priority. If I do something that makes my friends uncomfortable they should deal with it and understand that I'm just a big mess right now and don't have any energy left in me to think of anything but myself.

          I think Boy is the only thing in my life right now that keeps me sane. The one thing that my friends told me I was insane for fixating on is what is keeping me sane. My friends are supposedly the ones to keep me sane and away from strange fixations like Boy but it is so opposite. My friends and my  peers drive me up the wall and the only thing keeping me from crying at school everyday is seeing Boy and remembering that he is somewhat of a manifestation of a younger part of me that was truly happy if not for a little while. I enjoy him as an individual as well, but I can't help but continue to make that connection.

          I no longer discuss Boy with my friends because they think I'm some weirdo pedophile but honestly, why can't I appreciate Boy? Why does society have to criminalize everything? I have no romantic feelings for Boy and certainly no erotic feelings for Boy. I want to be friends with Boy. Is that so terrible? Is friendship only friendship if there is a 1 year gap or less between them? Who is to distinguish what is a friendship and what is not? I don't like that my friends have to continually grasp and parrot what society has told them: reject anything abnormal as it is wrong and different from yourself, and in the process, hole themselves up in their minds and refuse to widen their spectrum of vision.

          I hope Boy is doing well. I hope he likes our school or at least thinks it's tolerable enough to want to stay. I want him to be everything I'm not feeling right now. I want him to have everything because if I can't have it, I want to see someone close to me in spirit to have it instead.

          Dante Basco never emailed me back.