My Year!

It's 2013 (obviously) and this is my first post! 2013 is also (I've decided) MY year! It's when I graduate from high school, move away from home, gain my own sense of self through independence, and start college! It's also when I hope to achieve some goals of mine.

Now, I know that I lot of these goals are really stereotypical of me to make, but there's just something different about this year. This year is my final year of being a child. Of course, I'll always be "a child" on the inside. I know I'll always be a child-like person. But my excuses of being childISH (there is a difference) will have gone out the window by September this year, when I turn 18.

I just thought I'd write down my goals so it's more solidified in my mind. Personally, making my thoughts physically available for my eyes to see seals more weight and authenticity to my goals and wishes. Idk, maybe that's just me. Here's my list:

+ I will lose weight and gain some semblance of muscle mass. 

Now, I know almost every girl my age is making that resolution, but here it is on mine nonetheless. For me, losing this weight isn't about just looking good. That's not the endpoint for me. The reason I want to lose weight is really to gain control of the one thing I never quite got the hang of: my body. I pride myself on being a person of self-control who has a good hand on a lot of things in her life. But weight's always been holding me back from truly being happy with myself and how I'm handling different aspects of my life.

Obviously, I'm not going to deny that this has any cosmetic purpose at all. OF COURSE I want to look good for graduation and college. Who doesn't want to look their best at occasions like those? But what I'm promising myself is that looking good should serve as more of a wonderful side effect of what I hope to achieve, which is that ultimate sense of self-control through physical (and hopefully mental) health and wellbeing. I also want really nice looking biceps and maybe even some abs (I probably won't get past 4 though. I'll shoot for two). Just gonna put that out there while I'm at it, haha.

+ I will think critically about my life choices which includes how I treat/perceive other people. 

I am NOT going to promise to, "be nice to people," because I know that I will definitely break that resolution. Instead, I resolve to reflect upon consequences either before or immediately after I act. I also want to permanently adopt the mindset of:

> If it's not affecting me in a harmful manner,
> If it's not affecting any of my loved ones in a harmful manner,
> If it's only inclusive of that specific person with/without CONSENTING others,
> If it's a well-thought-out personal decision or aspect of their life (made of their own inner conviction without outside coercion) that makes that specific person happier with their life,
> If it's something generally healthy and constructive (in THAT PERSON'S terms, not mine),

> If it's not affecting other people in a physically or psychologically deconstructive manner,

> Then who am I to judge?

For instance, perhaps my friend decides to get with a guy that doesn't approve of gay marriage (which opposes my own thoughts). My knee-jerk reaction may be: Wow, what a close-minded asshole. How can my friend even stand him on a daily basis? She deserves better.

HOWEVER: it doesn't affect me or my loved ones in a harmful manner, it's only inclusive of that guy and consenting others (his church, his political party, whatever), it's a personal decision that is personally constructive as far as I know (it may be a way to remain faithful to his religion or personal moral convictions), let's say he isn't lashing out against gay people and committing hate crimes and has several at least mostly well thought out reasons for his stance, WHO AM I TO JUDGE?

Yes, I might try and ask him further about his convictions, discuss his and my opposing viewpoints, or even engage in an argument (which I will define as: a respectful, non-personal verbal disagreement supported with reason and logic), but that STILL does not give me the right to judge him or devalue him as a wholesome human being. I can, in fact, choose to not associate with that aspect of his personality and still accept him as a person because that's exactly what it is: AN ASPECT of his personality. It shouldn't be definitive of him as person just like my judgmental nature doesn't encapsulate my entire essence as a human being.

Chances are, my friend liked him for his humor, his down-to-earth personality, and/or his ability to please her family members, etc. Why would I expend my own time and energy being mad at him (and my friend, by association) when I could be using that energy to embrace that we as humans have a fundamental right to our own intellectual thoughts and then engage in the miracle that is individual thought by striking a respectful conversation that may or may not be about his acceptance of a controversial topic? And if I really can't deal with it and no one is making me deal with it, then I could use that energy to walk away.

Of course, a breach of any of the criteria I listed above would result in judgment and/or scathing criticism on my part. For instance, if he lashed out at another friend of mine that identifies as a member of the LGBT community in a brutal manner that resulted from his anti-gay stance, then that would mean: that he is hurting a loved one, that he is no longer containing that aspect of his personality within himself and CONSENTING others, but projecting his hatred at someone that does not consent to his behavior towards them, that he is obviously not thinking his decisions out in a rational manner that would justify his actions, and that he is possibly psychologically damaging my friend. Then I would probably judge the SHIT out of him and perhaps even loathe him for a while. But again, I would use that energy to walk away instead of continuously harboring hatred for him.

I resolve to accept that I should only criticize that breach, not the person breaching because the person may be doing all kinds of good that I don't know of. Hate the game, not the player, in a way.

+ I will know my limits and know when to let go and/or walk away.

This is pretty self explanatory and can be applied to many things. In college, I will attempt to better know my limits in study time, play time, etc. Maybe this last semester of high school I will face something that isn't worth my time, and instead of trying to fight back out of stubbornness, I resolve let it go and walk away. Perhaps someone will lie to me and/or hurt me immensely. I resolve to know my limits and in turn either let go of the hurt and/or walk away.

+ I will learn to forgive.

I have super high expectations for myself and therefore hold others to my exacting standards as well (as they are all I know to be effective). And when people don't meet them within a specific amount of time I give them, I will deem them unworthy of a task in a project, or unworthy of my conversation time at the moment, etc. Again, I'm judgmental, harsh, and can be a heartless dictator sometimes.  But I can also be a nurturing director-figure. I know that I have the capacity to embrace the people in my life and accept that not all my judgments are right. So this year, I will learn to forgive others for dumb things they might have done, I will learn to accept that I am not perfect and shouldn't be in a position to judge anyway, and I will learn to forgive myself for my own trespasses and missteps.

+ I will remember my roots. 

I don't want to be that girl that drastically changes in college (for the worse). I am generally happy with the personality that I currently have and wouldn't want to exchange it for much anything. I don't want my quest for acceptance in a foreign and intimidating environment to reverse any evolutions my personality has undergone in favor of OMG I NED FRENDSZ.

So, yeah. I guess that makes five personal goals for 2013. Let's hope I can keep this up! Happy New Year, older Judy and select people that actually know I have a blog!