Dumbb

So, I thought I posted about my boy-related dilemma a few weeks ago, but apparently it just saved as a draft. Now that I read it, I am laughing uncomfortably and will choose not to disclose it in all its angsty glory. I will, however, give you a short excerpt of it to set the context for this post. Here are some parts of it that I just threw together:

"I know that a lot of people would say that they enjoy the feeling of a crush or liking someone, but personally, I hate it. It's so fucking annoying and I can't shake the feeling and it's not quite at the, "I like you" stage but I can feel myself getting there and just UUUUGHH. It's so much unnecessary emotional baggage that I prefer not to have in my life. It bothers the crap out of me knowing that I can be so weak and vulnerable to paranoia and jealousy.

And mind you, I don't like him that way as of now. I don't feel inclined to start a romantic relationship with him. I'd just like to platonically get to know him better mentally and emotionally, is all. I enjoy his company and that's really what makes our current friendship great. And yet, I still freak out about having offended him or annoying him or not be adequate enough to speak to him. I don't even know what is going on with my brain right now. It's being a dumbass. I want him to like me and I want him to acknowledge that he enjoys my company.

Whatever. In a few months, I'll look back at this and think that this is the stupidest blog post ever because there is so much more to life than stressing over this. I've gotten into my dream college with a full scholarship and just got straight As this semester (89.56% in AP Econ HOLLAA). I'm the student body president of my school and won't have student loans when I graduate with a bachelor's degree. I'm graduating high school in 130-ish days and will have the best summer of my life. Why is this even relevant to anything?"


Well, IT'S BEEN, LIKE, 3 WEEKS AND I'M ALREADY OVER IT YAYYY. Of course, I don't feel this wave of victory over myself because I'm discontent with the current status of our friendship, but I'm glad that my questioning myself was a fleeting phase. Or is it? I really don't know.

He's been really distant lately and it's really noticeable. I don't know if it's because our conversations naturally have an ebb and flow type of thing going on, or if he's purposely cutting things short. I guess it just bothers me because we'd been having such wonderful conversations leading up to this point. Although, that's really selfish of me to be disappointed that someone won't speak to me in a way that I'd like them to. But I can't change my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Simply put, I think he's scared that I'm coming onto him (which, by the way, is totally stupid because I am an expert at disguising my feelings). I can understand the, "whoa why is this girl talking to me so much all of a sudden" feeling that he might get, but I've never said anything to suggest anything other than wanting to be better acquainted AS FRIENDS. We talked about music, for fuck's sake. Where's the romance in that? I don't know to be more disappointed in him for misinterpreting my goals or myself for giving that kind of vibe when it was not what I meant to give. Whatever. I'll lay low and do my own thing and if he wants to talk to me, he can. But I'm not wasting any more of my life contemplating bullshit.

I guess I should remind myself to do a follow up on this post by talking about my issue with men in general. Not misandry, necessarily, but a dip in confidence. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL REMINDER, FUTURE JUDY.

Quick Update

Quick update in the form of an email to my sister (which I actually wrote, but forgot to format for this blog. Too lazy to make it a blog post, so I'm copy/pasting for the sake of keeping records of myself).

I think I had food poisoning for a while because my friends and I made this ultimately epic casserole which consisted of these layers:

1 (bottom) = Macaroni and cheese with taco seasoning mixed in
2 = Lays Original Potato Chips
3 = Mashed potatoes
4 = Vietnamese seasoned pork (that super red pork that is kinda sweet)
5 (top) = Unrolled Pillsbury Croissants to cover the entire top of the casserole

Yeah. It was carbicide and I had maaany regrets. I didn't even eat that much! I had literally 4-5 forkfuls before my stomach started trying to kill me. I think the croissant was undercooked and I ate some of it since I was the first to notice it was undercooked (meaning I was the first to eat it and also the last since they put it back in the oven because of that).

I had a fever for two days and then it escalated into coughing fits also (with yummy orange mucus). Yeeahh. I would say, "never doing that again," but it was actually really fun and really good. I think it's one of the crowning moments of my senior year.

I've been hanging out more with friends lately, which I'm really happy with. The, "senior memories" I hadn't been creating all of the first 2/3 of first semester are being quickly made. I've been to Mainplace, Irvine Spectrum, The Block, Fashion Island, a hill-y type place in Newport Beach where I got to see a nice sunset, Chipotle (twice), ate macaroons for the first time since you brought some home from Paris (rose flavored, caribbean-chocolate flavored, and madagascar-vanilla flavored), I finished a Harry Potter puzzle with my friends while watching Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (which we didn't finish), I've gone to lunch with Pia and a Creative Writing teacher during school (don't worry, it was completely excused since we had to go to a nearby elementary school anyway to pitch Creative Writing's mentoring program. We just decided to have a quick lunch after), I was home sick and didn't go to school last Monday (first time in, like, 3 years! It was weird). And to celebrate finals (which ended yesterday) as well as my belated birthday/Christmas, my two best friends want to take me out to Disneyland sometime soon (for free! I guess they have connections).

Speaking of finals, I had 4 finals out of 6 of my classes (which isn't too bad). I know I'm secure with an A in Anatomy, Leadership, Journalism, and Spanish 5. I'm a little iffy on  AP Lit (I had a 91% before finals) but I'm pretty confident about how my finals went, so I guess we'll have to see. She also said she's making a grade curve 88% = A, so that makes me feel even better since I have more leigh way to drop (which I hope I won't, but that safety net is nice). I'm kind of done with AP Macroeconomics. The teacher literally didn't help me learn anything and his grades are wildly skewed as it is. Before finals, I had an 89.6% in that class. But I don't even feel that reflects my knowledge of econ. If my grade were to reflect how much I learned from this past semester, it'd be more like a D-. I don't think I'll be taking the AP test for this because it's a stupid waste of $64 when I could just take it has a general ed class in college, where I know it'll be paid for by Questbridge and hopefully it'll be a place where I learn this material more effectively. Of course, he's a new teacher so I can't be too harsh (but his AP test pass rate is 45%! That's not even 45% get 5's, 45% PASS, meaning 3+. My AP Bio teacher's pass rate last year was 98%).

The final exam for that class was meh. To get an A in that class, I'd need to get higher than my average before (89.6%), which I don't think I did. I talked to mom about it was she seemed a little disappointed, but she understood since she's seen me struggle. I really did try, though. I found Youtube lectures that are way better than his and I've stayed up trying to re-do problems he taught us to see if I can regain what he said in class. But every time I began to get something, he'd tell me otherwise. And every time I started to get something and I asked him a question to clarify, his roundabout answers have screwed me over and made me feel more confused than I was before. Granted, I could have definitely done more to educate myself, but even my friends couldn't help me and the teacher couldn't help me and I felt cornered and discouraged all semester. I know I'll have to deal with more of this in my lifetime, but as for now, I'm so done. I'm really happy it's second semester and that I have normal Government now.

I had my first instance of drama this semester, too! It made me cry for some reason (though I think it might've just been pent up stress as well and it was just the icing on the crappy cake). You remember Girl? The one Pia and I won against in the Junior Class election and then the one I got Editor-in-Chief over this first semester? Well, I had the feeling that she didn't like me but she never really made it more than passive-aggressive comments every now and then. She was also the one that, after asking my guy friend if I were going to pursue Broadcast journalism and him answering yes, asked, "but don't you have to be pretty to do that kind of stuff?"

Anyway, a week and a half ago (after I came back to school from my food poisoning), we had a dispute over FACEBOOK CHAT (which is so childish and I regret even acknowledging her existence online). It involved multiple people and teachers and ugh it was just a shitty experience.

But the storm is over and now I just don't interact with her much. We're on okay-terms now. As for this experience, I'm so over it. I just care about me, myself, and graduating. So yeah. Woooo fun and unnecessary high school drama! Glad that's over.

I'm sure mom already told you that she got a $500 scholarship award from school! For the record, I rewrote her short essay that she submitted and she got the award she deserved. Her story is hers and I'm really proud of her for being rewarded for it. She got two awards in one day! Two very selective awards, too. She was beaming the rest of the day and told me how her classmates we so shocked (and probably jealous). So proud of her!

So, yeah! We're the scholarship family in our clan. Pretty damn proud of how far we've all come given our circumstances. Not to say we're better than our cousins (since I love them and they're amazing), but we've definitely been raised to fight for every inch of our existence and that's something I don't see very often (in and out of our family) all with 1/2 of what most everyone else has been given in terms of parenting. Really proud of you and mom (and me, hehehehehe). We're going to end up somewhere big (like Tokyo. TOKYO) in the future and I'm excited to see us grow into well rounded people that will eventually repay back almost all of what Mom has done for us (since I don't think we can ever completely pay her back for all she's done).

I signed up for a free online Japanese class, but I've been busy and lazy at the same time. I got a 96% on my first vocab quiz, though! I know how to say car, desk, chair, policeman, teacher, student, international student, umbrella, magazine, newspaper, television, and computer! Haha, I told mom about it and she said I should spend more time learning how to say food-related things. So I learned how to say:

- Before-meal thanks (Itadakimasu)
- After-meal thanks (gochisou-sama deshita)
- Water, please (mizu, onegai shimasu)
- I'll have ________ (_______ - o itadakimasu)
- Have some (interjection where you initiate conversaton) (domo)
- Yes, you may have some (in response to someone asking you for your
food) (dozo)
- That's it! (Iijo desu)
- No, thank you (daijouboo desu. arigato)

Hope all is well in Japan!