Dumbb

So, I thought I posted about my boy-related dilemma a few weeks ago, but apparently it just saved as a draft. Now that I read it, I am laughing uncomfortably and will choose not to disclose it in all its angsty glory. I will, however, give you a short excerpt of it to set the context for this post. Here are some parts of it that I just threw together:

"I know that a lot of people would say that they enjoy the feeling of a crush or liking someone, but personally, I hate it. It's so fucking annoying and I can't shake the feeling and it's not quite at the, "I like you" stage but I can feel myself getting there and just UUUUGHH. It's so much unnecessary emotional baggage that I prefer not to have in my life. It bothers the crap out of me knowing that I can be so weak and vulnerable to paranoia and jealousy.

And mind you, I don't like him that way as of now. I don't feel inclined to start a romantic relationship with him. I'd just like to platonically get to know him better mentally and emotionally, is all. I enjoy his company and that's really what makes our current friendship great. And yet, I still freak out about having offended him or annoying him or not be adequate enough to speak to him. I don't even know what is going on with my brain right now. It's being a dumbass. I want him to like me and I want him to acknowledge that he enjoys my company.

Whatever. In a few months, I'll look back at this and think that this is the stupidest blog post ever because there is so much more to life than stressing over this. I've gotten into my dream college with a full scholarship and just got straight As this semester (89.56% in AP Econ HOLLAA). I'm the student body president of my school and won't have student loans when I graduate with a bachelor's degree. I'm graduating high school in 130-ish days and will have the best summer of my life. Why is this even relevant to anything?"


Well, IT'S BEEN, LIKE, 3 WEEKS AND I'M ALREADY OVER IT YAYYY. Of course, I don't feel this wave of victory over myself because I'm discontent with the current status of our friendship, but I'm glad that my questioning myself was a fleeting phase. Or is it? I really don't know.

He's been really distant lately and it's really noticeable. I don't know if it's because our conversations naturally have an ebb and flow type of thing going on, or if he's purposely cutting things short. I guess it just bothers me because we'd been having such wonderful conversations leading up to this point. Although, that's really selfish of me to be disappointed that someone won't speak to me in a way that I'd like them to. But I can't change my thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Simply put, I think he's scared that I'm coming onto him (which, by the way, is totally stupid because I am an expert at disguising my feelings). I can understand the, "whoa why is this girl talking to me so much all of a sudden" feeling that he might get, but I've never said anything to suggest anything other than wanting to be better acquainted AS FRIENDS. We talked about music, for fuck's sake. Where's the romance in that? I don't know to be more disappointed in him for misinterpreting my goals or myself for giving that kind of vibe when it was not what I meant to give. Whatever. I'll lay low and do my own thing and if he wants to talk to me, he can. But I'm not wasting any more of my life contemplating bullshit.

I guess I should remind myself to do a follow up on this post by talking about my issue with men in general. Not misandry, necessarily, but a dip in confidence. THIS IS AN OFFICIAL REMINDER, FUTURE JUDY.