If I had to put to word to how I feel today, it would be inadequate. I've been feeling this way for a lot of February, it seems. I don't think it's from a single instance, but my confidence has been slowly dissolving for the past month or so. I think today was just one of those overwhelming days when you realize what's been going on with you for a while.
I think it largely started when I got closer to the guy I was friends with for a bit. Before that, I felt fine. But after he started gradually ignoring me, I think I began to reconsider my strength. The worst part of being ignored isn't so much the fact that I'm being ignored. I think I'd prefer rejection ("Judy, you're annoying, and I don't want to talk to you right now") rather than being ignored. Being ignored has a connotation of dismissal, like I'm not even worth an explanation or even worth being told that I'm inadequate. I'm left knowing that I wasn't even worth that--slowly descending into a feeling of inadequacy instead of being angry with him after direct rejection and getting over it. Being ignored is such a painful process and although I generally would like to think I prefer it over direct rejection, I really don't. I may not like rejection at first, but rejection makes me angry and I can get over being angry. I can't as easily get over feeling inadequate because there's no reason out there for my being ignored, leaving me with no one to blame or be angry at but myself.
I got rejected by the blood drive people again today. I still don't meet my height/weight requirements. I don't know exactly why, but I really want to donate blood. I've been wanting to for a while now, and the second rejection was just a lot harder to take than the first one. Even my body is inadequate.
I also forgot to go to an NHS board meeting today. I just plain forgot. Normally, it's water under the bridge for some people, but for me that's a huge indication of my losing control over myself. And as a control freak, I find this terrifying. I had to face the board president in class after lunch (which was when we were supposed to have our meeting) and it was just awkward. I felt like a child.
On a superficial level, I feel like I haven't seen one good photo of myself in a while. I know that the numbers on the scale have gotten a bit lower, but I look like a fatass when I see pictures of myself. I become disgusted with my lack of progress. I see girls who weigh twice what I do look better in pictures than me. And as mean as that sounds, I feel like I'm entitled to at least one good photo. My hair is greasy and my bangs are growing back in a really awkward way since I haven't had the time to cut them. My eyes, the ones I always got compliments on from my family as, "bigger than most asian eyes," are swollen from lack of sleep and my skin's been breaking out. And it's worse than I last remember. They're all over my forehead and are showing up around my nose, my cheeks, by my eyes, by my hair--it's disgusting. I just look disgusting.
My mom also snapped at me the other day for talking to her, "in the wrong tone," which angers me because she just did an eye for an eye by criticizing me for it. And now she's being a mega passive aggressive bitch to me and I just feel like an inadequate daughter. I hate that she has the power to make me feel like scum within a matter of hours. She lowers me and doesn't pick me up because she, like so many others, trusts that I can do that on my own.
But sometimes, I can't. I just can't pick myself up. I need someone to talk to, but I never find that I can talk to someone without fear of judgment. I can't trust anyone and it pisses me off that someone so strong and independent as I am can feel this weak.
Fuck being "only human," I'm not okay with feeling like this.
