TOKYO, HERE I COME!

AHHHHH!! Okay, double post today, but yeah! This news comes sort of late since I knew about it a few weeks ago, but for Christmas, my sister bought me a plane ticket to Tokyo for a week during Spring Break! This is HUGE for me because not only was I embarrassingly Wapanese and a die-hard anime dork when I was younger, but I haven't been out of the United States since I was two years old (when I emigrated from Korea, and that doesn't even count since it was to the U.S, not away from the U.S).

So yeah! Apple is sending her there on a business trip and offered to give her a discount on ticket prices  for me and my mom, so we're going to visit her! She leaves in a week or so, we leave in March/April-ish. Auuughkjlakjjklafjklfakfkjladkjlfa.

I'm just waiting for something bad to happen, because I've never had it this good. I'd never dream that I'd visit Japan so early in my life. I didn't think I'd get out of the U.S to travel for leisure until I "made it" at age 30-something and had enough money to get out. AND to have gotten into my top university? I can't even fathom how it's wound down to this.

I'd like to say it's because I've been the best person I could be, but that's not true. Honestly, there were many moments where I was this ugly ball of brat. But I've always generally had good intentions and worked hard when needed. I think that and of course my connections to a sister equally dedicated to working hard, is what has gotten me here.

What I'm living right now seems like an overly-dramatic-overly-great-life of a diary entry I would have written in 8th grade after crying because of something stupid to make myself feel better. But it's real. And it's just magical.

Of course, like many things, I won't relax and feel it hit me until it actually happens, but nevertheless, the prospect is just ASKLFJSALKFS.

Girls Hate Girls

You know, I'll be the first to admit on here (wow, go Judy! Being the first to say something on your own blog!) that I've "hated" some girls. In fact, I think I still do. It's and ugly and shameful part of me that I prefer not to expose to the public, but it's there.

Anyway, it doesn't come as a shock to me because not only was I raised to obtain certain measures of my own personal worth, those measures are often unachievable--so when I see another girl like me and see myself in her as she achieves something I wish to achieve myself, I feel bitter, insecure, and wish horrible things upon that girl.

I repeat: this isn't something I wish to glorify by making internet-public. It's shameful to hate someone for any reason. It's just ugly and doesn't do anyone any good at all. But that doesn't mean it's not part of the human experience. It's part of our humanity to have the wonderful capacity to love as well as the capacity to muster up so much emotion as to hate another human being.

Anyway, I've been thinking on and off about it for the majority of today, and I've come to the simple conclusion that all "girls hate girls" because of the insecurity implanted in our heads from Day 1. We're raised to feel insecure about ourselves by being introduced early to things that society will eventually use to enslave us (such as beauty, popularity, the pursuit of romance, etc). It's no surprise we get jaded and bitter when we see another girl: that has a better body, is liked better, gets more attention, achieves something.

It's not because we hate her, it's because we begin to feel a growing insecurity about ourselves and the only way we can conveniently channel this feeling of inadequacy is to project hate and loathing onto another person. Instead of motivating myself to work out and get a better body, or work harder to achieve something, I find myself wishing that that girl would lose what she had achieved.

I know, I know. That's a terrible thing to wish upon someone. But as someone who has her daily dose of self-deprecatory thoughts, my cornered mind can only be so humane in knee-jerk reactions. Put simply, it's the easy way out to wish that the past would reverse itself so she would devolve into square 1 with me. Why can't I instead wish for me to catch up to square 2 as quickly as possible? Laziness, I suppose.

I'm not into the whole New Years Resolutions thing, but it's definitely a goal of mine to re-train my mind into thinking more constructively rather than the destructiveness it's been expressing so often this past year. It's not helping the girl I hate and it's certainly not helping me. Therefore, it's void in my life and should be swept away. And although I go into this acknowledging that it might be impossible to ever completely eliminate this knee-jerk reaction, I'll do my best!

Wow, long time no blog. Uhh I'm just going to quickly run over some things that happened since my last post.

November 27th: Dante Basco Q&A Event.

We had a good number of people show up. I'd estimate about $600 worth of profit that will be donated to the Make a Wish foundation! He was really chill and made lots of eye contact with me. He even remembered my name! My Creative Writing teacher was starting to get really dodgy and began developing an inferiority complex since I gushed so much about Dante Basco around him. Resolved that over Spiderman Cheez-Its and a nice thank you note from me. He cried.

November 30th: Questbridge Scholarship Acceptance.

Accepted into USC's Annenberg School of Communications and Journalism on a full ride. Saw the acceptance on my Questbridge account at 2:00-ish after school on Friday, read the first line three times, and screamed. My mom got scared and thought I was on fire or something. We hugged three times. Lots of public congratulations that made me feel surprisingly more uncomfortable than supported. Probably because my friend didn't receive the scholarship and she tends to hang around me often.

December 3rd: Received Phone call from Kirk Brennan.

Kirk Brennan is the Associative Dean and Director of Undergraduate Admissions at USC. He was really nice and called at around 4:40 (I was still in conservatory). I had some questions that he couldn't answer, but I assured him it was fine. He referred me to other people and sent me an email a day or two later offering me a potential job in his admissions office come fall semester. Jackpot!

December 7th: Helped plan/execute surprise birthday party for friend + denied blood donor-ship

It was pretty stressful, but we blindfolded and headphone'd her and led her on a wild goose chase that ended at BJ's where we paid for her dinner (pizza, pasta, pizookies, whatnot). She was having a pretty stressful day beforehand, so I'm glad we eased her stress. Her stress stemmed from the Blood Drive, which is when I was DENIED donor-ship because apparently I don't weigh enough in relation to my height (5'1" must be 130+ lbs). I didn't know if that was a compliment, an insult, or a joke. But whatever. I either have to grow taller, gain weight, or never give blood ever. Great.

December 10th (now):

It's Boy's birthday on Wednesday! I asked him a month ago and he replied without hesitation, and luckily I remembered it. I wrote him a short card and got him Sour Punch Straws (since he only picked out sour candies during our buddy lunch) and made him a soda tab bracelet. I hope he likes them! He is still wandering around alone when I see him on campus. I hope he's still enjoying his middle school experience nonetheless. I'm giving his present tomorrow!

That's about it for now! I'm job-searching currently so I can make some pocket money for college so I don't have to rely on my mother financially when I'm there. Hopefully I'll find one by January. Wish me luck!