TOKYO, HERE I COME!

AHHHHH!! Okay, double post today, but yeah! This news comes sort of late since I knew about it a few weeks ago, but for Christmas, my sister bought me a plane ticket to Tokyo for a week during Spring Break! This is HUGE for me because not only was I embarrassingly Wapanese and a die-hard anime dork when I was younger, but I haven't been out of the United States since I was two years old (when I emigrated from Korea, and that doesn't even count since it was to the U.S, not away from the U.S).

So yeah! Apple is sending her there on a business trip and offered to give her a discount on ticket prices  for me and my mom, so we're going to visit her! She leaves in a week or so, we leave in March/April-ish. Auuughkjlakjjklafjklfakfkjladkjlfa.

I'm just waiting for something bad to happen, because I've never had it this good. I'd never dream that I'd visit Japan so early in my life. I didn't think I'd get out of the U.S to travel for leisure until I "made it" at age 30-something and had enough money to get out. AND to have gotten into my top university? I can't even fathom how it's wound down to this.

I'd like to say it's because I've been the best person I could be, but that's not true. Honestly, there were many moments where I was this ugly ball of brat. But I've always generally had good intentions and worked hard when needed. I think that and of course my connections to a sister equally dedicated to working hard, is what has gotten me here.

What I'm living right now seems like an overly-dramatic-overly-great-life of a diary entry I would have written in 8th grade after crying because of something stupid to make myself feel better. But it's real. And it's just magical.

Of course, like many things, I won't relax and feel it hit me until it actually happens, but nevertheless, the prospect is just ASKLFJSALKFS.

Girls Hate Girls

You know, I'll be the first to admit on here (wow, go Judy! Being the first to say something on your own blog!) that I've "hated" some girls. In fact, I think I still do. It's and ugly and shameful part of me that I prefer not to expose to the public, but it's there.

Anyway, it doesn't come as a shock to me because not only was I raised to obtain certain measures of my own personal worth, those measures are often unachievable--so when I see another girl like me and see myself in her as she achieves something I wish to achieve myself, I feel bitter, insecure, and wish horrible things upon that girl.

I repeat: this isn't something I wish to glorify by making internet-public. It's shameful to hate someone for any reason. It's just ugly and doesn't do anyone any good at all. But that doesn't mean it's not part of the human experience. It's part of our humanity to have the wonderful capacity to love as well as the capacity to muster up so much emotion as to hate another human being.

Anyway, I've been thinking on and off about it for the majority of today, and I've come to the simple conclusion that all "girls hate girls" because of the insecurity implanted in our heads from Day 1. We're raised to feel insecure about ourselves by being introduced early to things that society will eventually use to enslave us (such as beauty, popularity, the pursuit of romance, etc). It's no surprise we get jaded and bitter when we see another girl: that has a better body, is liked better, gets more attention, achieves something.

It's not because we hate her, it's because we begin to feel a growing insecurity about ourselves and the only way we can conveniently channel this feeling of inadequacy is to project hate and loathing onto another person. Instead of motivating myself to work out and get a better body, or work harder to achieve something, I find myself wishing that that girl would lose what she had achieved.

I know, I know. That's a terrible thing to wish upon someone. But as someone who has her daily dose of self-deprecatory thoughts, my cornered mind can only be so humane in knee-jerk reactions. Put simply, it's the easy way out to wish that the past would reverse itself so she would devolve into square 1 with me. Why can't I instead wish for me to catch up to square 2 as quickly as possible? Laziness, I suppose.

I'm not into the whole New Years Resolutions thing, but it's definitely a goal of mine to re-train my mind into thinking more constructively rather than the destructiveness it's been expressing so often this past year. It's not helping the girl I hate and it's certainly not helping me. Therefore, it's void in my life and should be swept away. And although I go into this acknowledging that it might be impossible to ever completely eliminate this knee-jerk reaction, I'll do my best!

Wow, long time no blog. Uhh I'm just going to quickly run over some things that happened since my last post.

November 27th: Dante Basco Q&A Event.

We had a good number of people show up. I'd estimate about $600 worth of profit that will be donated to the Make a Wish foundation! He was really chill and made lots of eye contact with me. He even remembered my name! My Creative Writing teacher was starting to get really dodgy and began developing an inferiority complex since I gushed so much about Dante Basco around him. Resolved that over Spiderman Cheez-Its and a nice thank you note from me. He cried.

November 30th: Questbridge Scholarship Acceptance.

Accepted into USC's Annenberg School of Communications and Journalism on a full ride. Saw the acceptance on my Questbridge account at 2:00-ish after school on Friday, read the first line three times, and screamed. My mom got scared and thought I was on fire or something. We hugged three times. Lots of public congratulations that made me feel surprisingly more uncomfortable than supported. Probably because my friend didn't receive the scholarship and she tends to hang around me often.

December 3rd: Received Phone call from Kirk Brennan.

Kirk Brennan is the Associative Dean and Director of Undergraduate Admissions at USC. He was really nice and called at around 4:40 (I was still in conservatory). I had some questions that he couldn't answer, but I assured him it was fine. He referred me to other people and sent me an email a day or two later offering me a potential job in his admissions office come fall semester. Jackpot!

December 7th: Helped plan/execute surprise birthday party for friend + denied blood donor-ship

It was pretty stressful, but we blindfolded and headphone'd her and led her on a wild goose chase that ended at BJ's where we paid for her dinner (pizza, pasta, pizookies, whatnot). She was having a pretty stressful day beforehand, so I'm glad we eased her stress. Her stress stemmed from the Blood Drive, which is when I was DENIED donor-ship because apparently I don't weigh enough in relation to my height (5'1" must be 130+ lbs). I didn't know if that was a compliment, an insult, or a joke. But whatever. I either have to grow taller, gain weight, or never give blood ever. Great.

December 10th (now):

It's Boy's birthday on Wednesday! I asked him a month ago and he replied without hesitation, and luckily I remembered it. I wrote him a short card and got him Sour Punch Straws (since he only picked out sour candies during our buddy lunch) and made him a soda tab bracelet. I hope he likes them! He is still wandering around alone when I see him on campus. I hope he's still enjoying his middle school experience nonetheless. I'm giving his present tomorrow!

That's about it for now! I'm job-searching currently so I can make some pocket money for college so I don't have to rely on my mother financially when I'm there. Hopefully I'll find one by January. Wish me luck!

I really just dislike my circumstances at school. I feel really confined here. My friends shush me and my teachers don't listen to what I have to say so I might as well just not exist. It's just so frustrating to know that you went through basically the same life lessons throughout your development (for the teachers, they've experienced even more) and yet they don't have the decency to acknowledge that perhaps your opinion has some inkling of significance despite your age.

I have to communicate with this woman on the business administration of our school and she is the most passive aggressive, annoying person ever. Just her existence angers me to no end. She won't let me speak to Dante Basco directly and everything I ask her to ask him, she speaks on his behalf. She isn't even his agent. And I'm also 99% sure that she is just a power hungry bitch because she refuses to tell me why she has set a certain time for the event. She probably set it herself. I bet you if I asked her why Dante Basco had to start so early, she'd have nothing to say. I'm just going to write an angry letter now.

Dear Elizabitch,

You are the most immature woman I have ever met. Don't think that just because you're on some advisory board at my school that your life has more meaning than mine. Honestly, I have so much more potential than you do. Where did you even graduate from? Do you even surround yourself with educated people or is it just a hobby to make small talk with others?

Yeah, you created a Facebook page for all the OCSA alumni. Oh goodie for you! Look at you go, so organized and tech savvy! Please. I could make a Facebook page and have people like it. It's not that hard. Your, "greatest achievement" in your position right now could be performed by a teenager. How about that? And you know what else? I'm going to move on in life to create much better things than a shitty Facebook page that no one really pays attention to because all you posting is fucking MUSIC AND THEATRE achievements as if you can't get over the fact that the highest point of your life was during high school when you could act like you were someone you were not. I wouldn't judge you for that, though. I wouldn't want to be you, either. After all, I surpass you in maturity, professionalism, and intelligence. At just 17 years of age, at that.

You're probably the person who stops by homeless people on the street not to give them money, but to lecture them about their poor life choices and how they should really get a job because your money is hard earned. People like you make me inexplicably angry. Even just ranting about your ugly personality makes me angry. You are such a passive aggressive bitch. You need to educate yourself because OCHSA's education back then obviously didn't match that of what it's providing now (which is still, admittedly, not that great...but they're doing something right for not producing a replica of an asswipe like you). You probably dye your hair blonde or brunette and are really vain about dying the roots every month or so. Don't forget to continue that well into your old age because soon you're hair will just be gray! I hope your skin withers and no longer produces enough collagen to stay elastic and attached to your facial muscles. I hope you get botox and have it horribly botched so that you can only smirk with the left side of your mouth.

I know that you're probably coming to terms with the fact that looks fade and that power is the only thing you can really hold onto into old age (no matter how miniscule), but you need to reassess your behavior and correct it because at this point, if I were to find you on the streets in a few years when I've surpassed any life aspiration you could ever hope to achieve, I'd just smile at you and move on. You are speaking to someone who has the capacity to become ten times what you are now and the fact that you can't respect and foster that potential is disappointing, rude, and makes me nauseous.

I hope one day you realized that you fake bitchy attitude isn't going to get you anywhere. I don't even know how you got into this position. I know you were in Music and Theatre in the past. Perhaps you're really good at acting the part of a well informed person. Or perhaps you're just excellent at fellatio.

You make me sick,
Judy

Posers really bother me. In some ways, yes: everyone is a poser. But some of us are a lot more open in our poser-dom. Those are the ones that bother me.

If I'm not that into a fandom, no matter how well liked I'd be if I were, I'm not going to pretend that I know everything about it because that's just disrespectful to those that are really dedicated to it. Yeah, there are moments when I ask questions to fans but I do it out of genuine curiosity and that's not really, "poser" in my opinion, anyway. I'd personally rather have someone ask me a question about a fandom that I'm into rather than pretend to know more than me or even as much as me.

I'm going to branch off from the general and get more specific because this is my blog and this is obviously about a certain instance that triggered this post. I also don't feel like being passive aggressive in my own domain, so I'll be semi-aggressive. I shall call her Witch.

Witch is known by my peers as that one smart, beautiful girl who also happens to be uber cool since she is a fan of series' like Harry Potter and Avatar: The Last Airbender and it pisses me off to no end because she is SUCH A POSER.

I don't even say this a blind accusation either, mind you. I've made multiple references to her two "most beloved fandoms"(which conveniently happen to be the exact ones I am a part of) and she has gotten NONE OF THEM. Okay, to give credit where it's due, she got one of them after I spent another minute explaining what the reference was and why it was funny.

They weren't even vague obscure references, either. I've mentioned them to people who have only basic knowledge of the fandom and they still get it! I was just so angry that she could claim that she was a true fan and CONVINCE dumbass peers of mine that she is a true fan when she is obviously being an obnoxious poser.

For Halloween I was Avatar Kyoshi from Avatar: The Last Airbender and although she had a generic costume, after hearing people compliment my homemade Kyoshi outfit, she claimed that she was "originally going to be Korra from Avatar: The Last Airbender". And that PISSED ME OFF because:

1. Then why weren't you Korra? If you were a truly dedicated fan, you'd be Korra right now.
2. Korra is from Avatar: The LEGEND OF KORRA. HENCE HER TITULAR NAME. HOW DO YOU EVEN MESS THAT UP. KORRA HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE ORIGINAL GAANG.

She also dresses up in her probably $200 Gryffindor outfit every now and again and prances around claiming to be Hermione or something. She is neither Hermione, a Gryffindor, or a Harry Potter fan. I once made a sarcastic reference to it that went something like this:

Witch: Oh my gosh, are you serious?
Me: No, I'm Remus!

It was a play off of Sirius Black and Remus Lupin, if you didn't get that. And even my friends who just watch the movies understand that one. WITCH JUST STARED AT ME FOR AN ENTIRE MINUTE WITH A STUPID BLANK STARE ON HER FACE.

Ugh. It just makes me so angry because people believe her when she says she's a giant-awkward-dorky-nerd when she is clearly not a fanatic of anything that merits that title in any way, shape, or form. I take it so personally because I'd like to consider myself a pretty intense fanatic of some series out there and to have the same label bestowed onto me: someone who has dedicated themselves to the series, knows more than just the basics, has created an ENTIRE CLUB FOR IT, and doesn't need to flaunt it every second of every day for social validation and attention, as it is onto some random girl who wears outfits she bought off of Amazon and probably reads the backs of books and DVD boxes for her information of the fandom.

It's like when douchebag attention whores call themselves, "nerds". No, you are not a nerd. You are an insensitive, attention-hungry child who needs constant assurance of your worth. "Nerds" are the kids in school that sit alone at lunch with a book in their laps for companionship and hide their tests when they get them back with "100%" on them so no one can see and think they're arrogant. Nerds are the kids who get scoffed at and ostracized for their intelligence. Nerds are the kids that contemplate suicide when they can't seem to break social barriers.

Nerds don't always wear glasses and they don't always have buck teeth or funny looking faces or wear suspenders. And for people who have never experienced any unnecessary form of social discomfort to claim that they are on the same level as those who had to endure years and years of pain and isolation to have a label slapped across their faces and claim to be equals disgusts me as much as posers do.

Also, "nerd" does not equal "fanatic." There is a difference between what I just described and being a giant fan of something. Sure, one can be both a nerd and a fanatic. But most cases, the self proclaimed "nerds" are just fanatics that want to share this somehow popular label of "nerd".

Admittedly, I do sometimes use "nerdy" to describe myself. But I never use it to identify myself like some people do. There is a difference. There is a difference between having, "nerdy moments" and "BEING a nerd". I don't say that, "I  AM such a nerd," but I may say that something I've done could be perceived as, "nerdy."

Anyway, my point is that Witch needs to get her shit together before she'll ever be recognized as a true fanatic in my eyes. And furthermore, she will NEVER be seen as the, "nerd" she claims to be because she is well liked and not, "socially awkward" at all.

Aaand I am not even going to touch on people using the term, "socially awkward" because that would just be my "nerd" rant with some more profanity.

I am so glad that I will never have to see Witch again after high school. I truly hope she gets into her colleges on the East Coast because I would hate to run into her again in the future.

GOOD DAY.

Boy officially recognizes me as a friendly entity!

Wow, that was a creepy way to kick off November. But anyway, yeah! Here's what happened:

> Judy waiting by lockers to go downstairs
> Judy sees flash of red bouncing around
> Judy thinks someone is dancing
> That someone is actually Boy dodging people to get to his locker
> Boy and Judy make eye contact
> Boy stops dodging

Boy: Hi.
Judy: Hello.

And that's about it. Nothing entirely fancy at all, actually. But it was the first time he initiated a conversation (no matter how brief) and it made me really happy. I hope he's learning to approach everyone this way. Or more people at least. I am so relieved to see him less tense around me and I am glad that it's no longer as evident that I scare the daylights out of him when I'm bright and chipper.

Anyway, I SUBMITTED MY COMMON APP TODAY! So now I have to wait until November 30th to get a reply from USC and Stanford regarding my Questbridge scholarship. I probably won't get anything substantial like the 4 year scholarship--but hey--might as well try, right? I wish they would get back to me sooner so I don't have to deal with all this anxiety and uncertainty! I am literally sick right now; the lack of sleep has evidently weakened my immune system. This happens almost every time I pull more than two all nighters in a row. Ahhh junior year. What a bad year for my immune system.

So yeah. In the meantime, I have my UC Apps to finish up for the 30th. I really hope I get accepted somewhere good because I would hate to be that one person that everyone expects to get somewhere good that actually ends up falling short. That would be terrible and is one of my biggest fears right now.  But I guess I'll deal with it as it comes.

Halloween was lovely! I dressed up as Avatar Kyoshi and received a buttload of compliments. I was really proud of myself for making the outfit entirely on my own (took me two weeks of hand stitching and crafting) from $15 worth of random clothes I found at a thrift store. Here I am!

Pretty awesome, eh? A pretty cool "last high school halloween costume," If I may say so myself.

I am so friggin' tired so I am going to sleep. More later.  

I'll write this down before I forget: I keep having Boy dreams lately. They're really pleasant, actually. It sounds super creepy and all, but it's nothing ever romantic or anything like that. It's always really pure and sincere. Perhaps it's to compensate for what I don't get much while I'm awake?

This past night, my dream was they school was out for the day and everyone was pouring down the stairs of my school (this included me). When I made it to the second floor, I saw Boy sitting with all his stuff spread out in the corner of the stair platform (the flat area where you walk before going down another flight). I was bewildered and was wondering whether or not he realized that he could've been pissing off tons of people, but he just sat and read his book. Then,  for some reason, I sat down with him. I took off my backpack and said what I usually say to him in real life, "Mind if I sit here?" then sat down once he nodded consent like he usually does.

Once I sat down, everything seemed muted and far away (referring to the people on the stairs). I could still see them walking down the stairs, but I couldn't hear them that well anymore. I wondered if Boy felt the same way then asked him when his birthday was (a replay of yesterday). This began the longest conversation I think I've ever had with Boy. I kept asking questions and his answers grew longer as he grew more comfortable with me around. And we just sat in the midst of the busy crowd, not caring.

It was really nice.

I jotted down some other dreams of Boy I had this past week. I don't remember all of them now, but they've been almost every night for these past two weeks. I think the more worried and society-conscious I get, the more I seek him or find him in my dreams. I can see the correlation.

In one particular dream, my friends and I were hanging out at the mall and found Boy wandering around all by himself. I said, "Hello, what are you doing here?" and he looked at me with fear in his eyes then shrugged so I said, "Well, now you're here to hang with us." and with that, we wandered around the mall not talking an awful lot, but not stuck in awkward silence either. It was really nice.

We then watched a movie. He left his seat to the right of me to go grab a snack and when he came back, his eyes were wild and excited, shoving a bag of popcorn and some candy bars in my arms (I guess they were his favorite and he wanted me to try them). He sat and we talked through the rest of the previews, becoming progressively more hushed as the movie began.

Afterwards, when my friends had to go home, Boy and I somehow found our way to this cozy basement at my school where we sat surrounded by books, taking a few off the shelf and reading lines to each other--laughing at the funny ones or when two of our lines lined up surprisingly well. I was astonished by how much he was laughing and how excited he seemed to be wandering around, but I was grateful for the emotion he was willing to show me knowing that younger kids might have a harder time opening up to a kid older than them.

In another dream, I was sitting in the corner of my school's computer lab, trying to get something typed and printed out. He opened the doors and perked up a little when he spotted my backpack, wandering over to the seat next to me and asking, "May I sit here?" which was a pleasant role reversal. He was happy to see me and that made me happy, too. We sat at our respective computers and just worked on things that needed to be worked on. There weren't many words exchanged, but it was so comfortable and wonderful. I felt at peace.

In another dream, Boy was looking for his puppy all day when I ran into him in the neighborhood. I asked him what had happened and he just looked at me despondently before returning to his house up the street. So I took a public bus to downtown Los Angeles and found his puppy by a canyon before taking the bus back the next day. In the morning, I knocked on his door and gave him his puppy back. He smiled a little at the puppy he held, closed the door behind him, and sat down on his lawn. I sat down with him and we played with his puppy as the sun came up. I was glad.

I find that I dream about Boy when I seek peace and solace. It seems to be working, which is good. I just hate when I forget and/or have the feeling obliterated by dumb people at my school.

So this week was pretty up and down. On Monday I was named a Questbridge finalist (yay) and so now I have to prepare apps for USC and Stanford by November 1st (double yay). I'm excited, but kind of bummed since I can't apply early action to any other schools. It was a giant risk I wasn't entirely aware of when I applied, but I guess I'll have to deal with it.

My friend also got finalist status and I really hope we get into where we want to go. The problem lies in that she put down the exact same school I did on her match application. I want to be a good sport and all, but I can't help but start feeling insecure after a while. I mean, I'd be happy for her if she got into USC, but if it were at my expense, I would honestly find it hard to swallow and would be angry (mostly at myself) for a long time. This is the same friend that asked me why I liked USC. And since this is my blog and my license to be an asshole, I think I deserve it more based on finances, career path, and just general love for the university. But whatever, we'll see.

Then I had shitty days of loneliness since one of my closer friends at my school had to stay home for the week. I realized just how much time I spent with one person and while she's great, the routine I'd gotten into was totally messed up and I just kind of floated through this week in a not-good way. But whatever. I found useful things to do with myself, which is good. I also got closer with a not-as-close friend which is fantastic since she's generally a really shy person and we managed to connect during conservatory.

I guess the prevailing emotion this week was loneliness and frustration. It wasn't a great week at all. But then again, there were ups, which is good. I just wished I hadn't had such low points along with them since happiness really is a choice and I just chose not to be happy most times. I think I need to learn to forgive myself and more importantly, others. It's not going to benefit me in the long run to be bitter at all of mankind but for some reason, I can't shake the feeling. I'll work on it.

At least I ended my week on a high note! I finally had time to talk to Boy long enough to ask his birthday! It is December 12th. I'd always suspected that he was a winter child. I thought: December, January, or July (don't ask why July). Anyway, I know that he doesn't have many friends his age so hopefully he'll forget he told me by December and be pleasantly (if not awkwardly) surprised by a birthday present and/or card.

I'm going over to a friend's house tomorrow to eat pizza and watch movies and I am so stoked since I've been needing this. Of course, it has to be after I work on my college applications, but still. This weekend is sounding better than this week so far.

So I sent my friend a part of my supplement for USC (about why I would like to study there, etc) and it talked about how great its journalism programs were, how I enjoy the idea of the Trojan family, the school unity/spirit there, the networking opportunities, and so on. And then today she talked to me about why she wants to apply to USC and gives me the EXACT SAME THING I SAID IN THE SUPPLEMENT I SENT TO HER and then has the nerve to ask me why I personally wanted to go to USC.

Can we not?

She obviously knew my reasons as I detailed them in the short response I sent to her and now she's asking me about how I feel about USC as if I were on the same field as her: just discovering what USC has to offer.

Please. I've been pining after this school since I helped my sister move in during her freshman year there five years ago. I've done my research and know more than vague bastardizations of what other people have told me about it. If anyone's been a close friend to me, they'll know why I admire USC and exactly why I want to go there.

It just bothered me that she asked so nonchalantly as if she were disregarding that this was my dream school that I had basically convinced her to apply to because I thought it was so great. I'm the one that got her into the idea of applying to USC and now she's going to turn the tables as if I needed any more convincing? Let's not.

Watch. In a few months I'm going to get rejected from USC and she's going to get accepted and talk to me about how excited she is to learn there when the program offered for her major ISN'T EVEN ONE OF ITS MORE RENOWNED PROGRAMS.

Yeah, yeah, lots of people want to apply to USC and it doesn't belong to just me, I get it. But it just bothers me when someone who has done nothing but scrape the superficial surface of something is suddenly into the same thing you've been into way longer than them and act as if you knew nothing. Like, really?

ALSO: Today someone in my AP Econ class asked if Quebec was in Canada and I almost killed myself. Then when told it was, he remarked, "Oh well I was just asking because it sounds French."

WELL SHIT, REALLY? IT'S NOT LIKE CANADA ONCE BELONGED TO FRANCE OR ANYTHING. OH MY GOD ARE YOU LITERALLY STUPID.

Ugh.

I AM SO WORRIED.

So. As I'm pretty sure I previously mentioned, I have this strange sense of sister-tiger protectiveness over Boy. I want him to be comfortable, happy, accepted, safe.

This morning, I saw Boy and he looked really sleepy and it was cute. I suppose I said his name a bit loudly because he flipped around really abruptly (and awkwardly) with his deadpan face. Then some girl semi-ran into him and made him stumble. It was hilarious and sad and I had to hold the door open for him since he was holding lots of books and looked really disgruntled. I asked him if he liked Harry Potter and he said yes. We talked briefly about Harry Potter, Jupiter by Holst (one of my favorite classical pieces), the Lord of the Rings club, what classes he had that day, etc.

Tonight was the Creative Writing Scarefest in which select writers had 48 hours to write a play under the theme of Halloween. And during intermission, I saw Boy. I said hello and he looked at me and said a silent "hi" but it was intermission and people were everywhere so I lost him in the crowd and didn't think to ask him why he was there. Seeing Boy tonight was strange for a couple reasons.

1. He doesn't have siblings in Creative Writing. He doesn't have any siblings, period.
2. He doesn't have friends in Creative Writing (except me) because he's a middle schooler.
3. He's a middle schooler. At a high school event.
4. He was all alone in the crowd, without any supervision.
5. He was wearing the same clothes he did when I talked to him this morning.
6. I didn't see him after intermission.
7. Yesterday, he wasn't picked up from school until it was late, since I guess his parents couldn't pick him up earlier or something.
8. When I saw him, it was around 7:30-8:00 PM.

I really hope he was with someone and just decided the Scarefest would be a fun event to attend for the first half because I am so worried right now. I know he's a smart kid, I just hope he has the street smarts/common sense to stay INDOORS until he gets picked up or whatever. I sincerely hope he is at home right now, safe.

I regret not stopping him and asking what he was doing at the event or at least ditching my friends momentarily to go see where he went because the last I saw of him, he was heading toward the doors. I would never want a child of that age to be alone in the streets of Santa Ana at nighttime. I should have asked if he wanted to see some plays. Or if he were already seeing them, ask him how he was liking them--anything so he wouldn't be alone.

I am pretty sure I'm overreacting but I will flip a bitch if I don't see him at school tomorrow.

          Whenever people ask me why I'm down or why I think my life is terrible, I'm left with nothing to say. First of all, I acknowledge that my life could be a whole lot worse, so I wouldn't feel comfortable justifying what a horrible life I lead. That's why I have this blog--often times so I can vent the things I'd rather not speak. Also, there wouldn't be enough time for me to even explain things in my life that bother me since I know the asker probably didn't intend to sit through my emo rants. I just feel really confused when people ask me to tell them about my feelings. I'm glad they take the initiative, but then again I know their initiative only goes so far.

          I feel inexplicably sad today. I'm not depressed, but I'm just really glum. Perhaps it's the weather that's changing my mood (though, I'm actually quite happy with where it's going). These kinds of moods are when I especially feel confused when asked how I feel. There are so many emotions that don't have words to them and I don't feel like making the effort to explain with words that fall short of what I'm feeling. I'm not sad, mad, or happy. I'm just what I'm feeling.

          I wish I knew what I were feeling. This sort of gloom is unsettling. It's times like these that I wished I'd read more psychology books in my youth. I loved them, but stuck to things like reading faces and how to say, "no" without offending people. I think I may have some sort of repressed anger, but I don't even know what I'd be angry at (hence, the "repressed" part of it). If I were to venture into it, I'd say that it's mostly frustration with myself for not looking as attractive as I'd want to be, not feeling as attractive as I should, and not being attractive in my heart and soul.

          Wow that sounded really cliche, but I'm just really unsatisfied with myself and so I seek the approval of others to validate what unsettles me about myself. I also seek assistance from my surroundings and as we're always taught that school is a tool for success and will always be there, I feel myself continually disappointed by the system set up to nurture me because it's hurting me. I feel confined and trapped and emotionally claustrophobic and everything is happening too fast and I'm losing control of things I should easily be able to control and I don't have enough time to think and when I have time to think I can't think of anything original because I'll never be good enough anyway so there would be no point to it all.

          I seek assistance from my friends and I am disappointed as well because my standards are too high and my willingness to be vulnerable and my self esteem are really low. I want them to understand that I know they're human but would appreciate some extra effort. Although...I don't give much effort myself so I'd be hypocritical to ask for something like that. But is it really too much to ask for? If I strip myself of society's standard of not making anyone feel bad, I'd say hell yes they should have some more consideration for me. I am important in that I feel unimportant. I should be priority. If I do something that makes my friends uncomfortable they should deal with it and understand that I'm just a big mess right now and don't have any energy left in me to think of anything but myself.

          I think Boy is the only thing in my life right now that keeps me sane. The one thing that my friends told me I was insane for fixating on is what is keeping me sane. My friends are supposedly the ones to keep me sane and away from strange fixations like Boy but it is so opposite. My friends and my  peers drive me up the wall and the only thing keeping me from crying at school everyday is seeing Boy and remembering that he is somewhat of a manifestation of a younger part of me that was truly happy if not for a little while. I enjoy him as an individual as well, but I can't help but continue to make that connection.

          I no longer discuss Boy with my friends because they think I'm some weirdo pedophile but honestly, why can't I appreciate Boy? Why does society have to criminalize everything? I have no romantic feelings for Boy and certainly no erotic feelings for Boy. I want to be friends with Boy. Is that so terrible? Is friendship only friendship if there is a 1 year gap or less between them? Who is to distinguish what is a friendship and what is not? I don't like that my friends have to continually grasp and parrot what society has told them: reject anything abnormal as it is wrong and different from yourself, and in the process, hole themselves up in their minds and refuse to widen their spectrum of vision.

          I hope Boy is doing well. I hope he likes our school or at least thinks it's tolerable enough to want to stay. I want him to be everything I'm not feeling right now. I want him to have everything because if I can't have it, I want to see someone close to me in spirit to have it instead.

          Dante Basco never emailed me back.

I AM SO FREAKED OUT RIGHT NOW. Thanks to my friend John who claimed to have stalked my blog, I stalked my own blog when I found THIS OMFG.

http://pulchrabellum.blogspot.com/2012/07/i-almost-forgot-to-blog-about-weird.html

A BOY. FOUR YEARS YOUNGER THAN ME. I COULDN'T SEE HIS FACE CLEARLY. OH MY GOD THAT IS SO FREAKY.

Is it that my dream was a premonition of me meeting Boy? If it was, then hot damn. I must be fucking magical.  But wow that is so weird. Wow that is so weird. Wow that is sO WEIRD.

Oh my god. My mind is reeling.

Speaking of Boy and dreams, Boy's been showing up in my dreams lately. He isn't even a main player in them; he's almost like an Easter egg. He's just present in the background and I see him for a split second before my field of view has to swing around back to the action.

For instance, in one of my dreams, I was standing at a doorway arguing with my sister about leaving for a trip when on the outside of the door (which was open), Boy was sitting with a few other boys playing a card game of some sort.

Then in another one of my dreams, Boy and I are in some sort of arctic tundra setting and we're on a steel ship. I arrived with my family and happened to spot him looking out a window with a big fur hat on that covered his eyes. I laughed at him and told him that he looked ridiculous, pushing the hat up and away from his eyes. And his eyes were almost ethereal. But then there was a commotion in another part of the ship so I apologize for leaving and ran the other direction. This whole ordeal felt like 2 minutes of the 90 minute run-time of my dream.

Last night was the first time that Boy was a significant part of my dreams. He and I were at a buddy event, but it was night time and we lived on campus (as did the other people of our school). He kept waking me up and telling me that he had to find something despite having already finished our buddy challenge. So we began searching for something I still don't really remember in a night lit only with old-fashion gas lamps with a rusty orange light revealing the path.

I kept losing him because he was running too fast and told him that he needed to slow down, to which he got really frustrated and grabbed my hand so I would run, too. When we came back, he ran up to this one boy with short black hair and kissed him. It was quite strange because it seemed like a complete non-sequitur. Perhaps he was looking for something that belonged to the other boy?

I wouldn't mind if Boy were gay. In fact, that would be kind of cute. Sad for his self-discovery in a world that still holds onto homophobia, but cute in that it makes him slightly quirkier than he already is.

Almost all my dreams of him occur in what seems like another era. It sort of spooks me. Maybe we were connected in another life or even another dimension. Bizarre.

In other news, my school's Homecoming is tonight and I'm not even going (despite having played a part in planning it). It was $60 and I could find better ways to spend that money, so I didn't buy a ticket. But I now feel twinges of regret because this past week has been amazing and a dance would have topped it off.

However, I do have homework to catch up on as well since I missed two days due to speaking at and working with the Freshman Retreat. Thursday's freshman were awesome; I really liked them. Friday's freshman were okay too...but I honestly didn't like them as much because during the senior performances they clapped at least 10 times during the Culinary Arts presentation. And it wasn't even a, "wow that's amazing! clapclapclapclap" applause. It was really snarky and sarcastic, almost. I didn't like that at all. It was so disrespectful. The presenter could barely talk. But it was nice overall and I got some candy out of it..soo....

DANTE BASCO CAME TO OCSA YESTERDAY. AND HE PROMISED TO COME TO VISIT THE AVATAR CLUB. I CAN'T.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voqEKiYE5pE

THEN HE POSTED THE VIDEO ON HIS TUMBLR AND FACEBOOK AND TWITTER. AJSHFJASKHFASHJFA

http://rufiozuko.tumblr.com/post/32946631369/judy-meeting-dante-basco-by-dena-odell#notes

OH MY GAD.

I GOT BOY TO LAUGH TODAY! Well, it wasn't exactly me that made him laugh, but he laughed! And it was amazing! Boy and I were sitting with a friend and his little buddy at a Leadership buddy event and when my friend's buddy mentioned that he liked ballroom dancing, I asked him what the difference between the waltz and the Viennese waltz was, to which he replied, "It's from Vietnam". I asked him to repeat that and started laughing. Then my friend (who is a senior as well) says, "No, it's from Vienna which is in Italy" (I think he was referring to Venice). Then Boy corrects them both by saying, "No, it's not! Vienna is in Austria!" and he LAUGHED.

We then proceeded to talk about Avatar: The Last Airbender together which was GLORIOUS. My friend's buddy was a little out of touch with the series, but in a really adorable way. Though, I could see Boy getting frustrated at the errors my friend's buddy was making pertaining to the series. This was very adorable in a nerdier way. His favorite character is Momo, which I don't really understand. I only liked Momo during his episode in the Tales of Ba Sing Se. Other than that, I don't feel like he contributed a lot to the series. Pabu is one thing from Korra that is better than the A:tLA counterpart, in my opinion. But Boy is still my favorite.

I'd say I'm a fairly awkward person when it comes to romance. But I've watched enough movies and seen enough of my friends' experiences to know vaguely what should be occurring during times of courtship. And let me tell you, some people are REALLY crippled when it comes to flirting.

I was at the mall the other day finding a gift for a birthday party I was going to and stopped at a charm kiosk where they were making custom jewelry and such. There was this guy there that was waayyy too touchy-feely for my liking. I'm not even sure if he was just trying to sell the merchandise or rub his junk on me but either way, he was NOT doing it right.

I guess this is turning into one of those, "What Judy likes" things. You know, the stuff that my multiple admirers will obviously look up so they can get to know me better.

Seeing as there won't be any of THOSE soon, I guess I'll divulge.

I am a huge fan of subtlety. I know coming from a loud ball of charisma that sounds strange, but I really do value subtlety. It makes me listen closer to what people are saying and read deeper into them whereas if they're obnoxious and putting it all out there, there's no reason for me to do anything. Subtlety keeps things interesting.

I like shy/awkward guys a lot. I have a giant geek-fetish. Intelligence is sexy, what can I say? I'm more likely to sustain a prolonged crush on someone who blows me away with an answer they give in class versus someone who got a really nice haircut. I like when I feel like I have something to learn from people.  Eloquence is also sexy.

Another reason I like shy/awkward people is because they are chock full of surprises. One moment they're seriously explaining something to you and the next, they're going insane at the mention of Star Trek or something. I love to see so much passion. I love being the person to draw out the excitement from people like that.

I don't like when guys are too apathetic. While some mystery is nice due to the lack of information shared, it gets super annoying after a while. Especially when I pick up that they're being fake with their apathy so I'll like them more.

Speaking of which, I dislike fake guys. I mean, some clumsy enhancements are endearing, but suddenly turning into a giant jackass in an attempt to appear cool does nothing but disgust me. I really don't like when people pose as someone else because I don't feel like I'm getting to know the real them.

I like a guy with a sense of manners. By this, I don't mean they have to place a napkin on their laps before eating and they have to eat EVERYTHING with cutlery. Basic hygiene and styling goes a loooong way. Oh and speaking of which, I don't like strong Abercrombie-ish scents. Again, subtlety. Basic knowledge of the art of conversation is also nice.

Of course, I like people with a sense of humor. But it should be witty and tasteful. By this, I mean timed just right. People who know societal cues or if they don't, say something embarrassing that's cute. I place a lot of value on wit. Wit is different from just being funny because wit is timed perfectly and plays off of something said in the conversation or introduces something hilarious to the conversation. I love when people can pull it off.

WOOO 10TH POST OF THE MONTH (I totally didn't do this for the sake of making the number of September posts a nice number what are you even talking about)

UGH U.C APPS COME OUT SOON. AKLGHAKHFFAHFKASJFSJAKLFAJKLF

Things I wish I could have said today but didn't because I would cause more trouble than I'm willing to actually deal with. So I'll just hold in my negative emotions and dump them here where they won't hurt anyone.

These are directed toward different people, in case you wanted to know.

You are so ungrateful for everything I do for you. Do you even understand how much it hurts me when you treat me like you're so high and mighty floating above my head at all times? Get over yourself. Honestly, I don't understand what I could have possibly done to deserve this shit from you after my dedication to our work together. You bother me a lot.

When you tell me not to call someone stupid because, "it's mean and subjective", you're being subjective with your opinions. What if they're really stupid? Or they're stupid to me? That reality is subjective. I have just as much right to call someone stupid as you do to call them smart or, "nice". Stop acting like a six year old. If I say something, I shouldn't have to have you being my mom all the time. Why should I have to see the good in people 24/7 when they obviously don't currently display any merit? And no, I won't keep these thoughts to myself. Stop trying to oppress me. You piss me off with your elementary school values. And guess what? I don't care if people have it worse in public schools. There are stupid people everywhere. Doesn't change the fact that they're stupid and that they exist.

I am so glad that one we graduate I never have to speak to or see you again. You are seriously the biggest pain in the ass ever. Just accept that I've already proven myself better than you on multiple occasions and give up. You're not being ambitious. You're being annoying. Ambition is striving to obtain something that might seem like a daunting feat. What you're doing is whining over not obtaining something that's already been obtained. By me. I'm withdrawing an entire application from a college because I know it's your top choice. I hope I never have to deal with you again and I hope that in the future people see just how two-faced you are.

Your sense of humor is the dumbest thing ever. I made better jokes as a sleepy 5th grader. Your entire sense of humor is based on shoddy puns and jokes only you seem to get. Stop before you embarrass yourself any further. I hope you end up surrounded by the people that laugh at your jokes because then you can continue floating around in your ignorance without annoying others that actually value wit. You make me ashamed of being the same species as you.

I don't even know you anymore. You need to stop being an ungrateful piece of crap because I don't even want to be your friends sometimes. I used to think of you as a close friend but I am seriously reconsidering. You bother me and don't even have the balls to apologize for how you wronged me on my own birthday. I hope all your friends abandon you one by one so you realize just how good you had it before you became a giant douchebag. Have a nice life.

I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone. I hate everyone.

It seems that no matter how hard I try to regain some faith in humanity, I always have to prove myself wrong. I honestly just want to get away from here. I'm tired of seeing the same people day by day and doing the same things over and over again. I want something fresh--something new.

I just want to go to college already. My friends and family are great, but I want to meet new people and have a social life and be more and more intellectually enriched day by day. I don't want to be the person from whom people ask for help on their homework or classwork. I want someone to explain something new and interesting to me and discuss sophisticated and controversial topics with me. I want someone new.

I want to leave and come whenever I please because, hell, it's my own damn life. I want to do something different every night and I want to experience as much as I can. I don't want to be stagnant and rot here in a stew of needless stress and drama.

My school is known for being tolerant and fresh and talented and hip and strange and whatnot, but it really isn't that fantastic. I mean, there are wow moment, certainly. But underneath it all, they are all just husks of whoever they saw on television or on the internet. It's just so frustrating to hear them repeat things to me that I'd read once before online or from a book or from a mental stash of overused quotes. They are just so fake and try so hard to be real. It's maddening.

And perhaps this is just teen angst. In fact, it probably is. But I'm not even going to try and fight myself back on this one. Because I've had enough bullshit for the entire school year. I am angry and pissed and frustrated and continually disappointed in my peers and yes, even my family sometimes. People need to seriously get their shit together because I don't want to be the one to pick up the pieces this year.

I can't wait until I graduate and get away from this dull place. There is just so much negativity and the worst part is that I'm negative now as well. Not because of a direct action (ex: someone punching me in the face and telling me I'm a worthless piece of crap) but indirect action (ex: being pouty and unnecessarily pissed at me and passive aggressively channeling all emotions). I'll admit that I've had my share of passive-aggression, but I try not to make it affect more people than necessary.

I want to meet new people with a clean slate and just interact in a pure and enlightening manner. Is that so hard to ask? I hate being tied down to some of the people here. Maybe I don't want to be the one cracking all the jokes and maybe, just maybe, I deserve some measure of respect. I don't know, sounds difficult to process, right?

I hate everyone.

I hate when people act like they were so obviously coddled by their parents. I guess as a younger sibling that sounds contradictory, but my mother never really continuously favored me over my sister or vice versa. I was taught to behave with courtesy to others and to have respect for everyone and while I act out of turn at times, I still maintain those values and have the decency to try and reverse whatever wrong I'd done.

It just frustrates me a lot to see people doing things like they own the place or speaking as if they own whatever words slither off their tongues. I mean, I know some people weren't as fortunate to receive the discipline my mother passed onto me, but you'd think that peers of my age would have been exposed to society enough to know the general code of conduct. Which, to me, indicates that:

1) They are just stupid and can't grasp societal norms
2) They know how to conduct themselves in a respectable manner but choose to ignore it out of their arrogance

both of which are irritating and inexcusable unless the person had been living under a rock their entire lives. Common courtesy should already be engrained in the mind by this age. It's a pity that some continue to act the way they do because they aren't always going to be under the title of Momma's Little Prince or Daddy's Little Princess. That isn't going to get them anywhere and I just want to shake them and let them know that being Daddy's Little Princess is not going to get them a successful, long lasting career.

Are manners really that difficult to acquire? I don't understand.

In other news, today was the first day of the Avatar Club I started! There were about 50-ish people and it was so amazing and humbling to see people that shared a common thread of interest. We talked about the club and introduced ourselves and began watching part of the first episode. I wish we had more time to finish it, but alas, the bell rang and we had to leave. They clapped for me and my council and everything! It was awesome to see and hear their reactions to the episode as well. I can tell that this is going to be a good club. I just hope this will continue into the semester as well as the year! Heck, for many more years to come at OCSA, long after I'm gone!

I also met Boy again (I've just decided to call him Boy) today! He is so nerdy and sweet. He is also probably a child prodigy as he is in middle school and is in an orchestra I didn't join until my freshman year of high school. He made an effort to begin a conversation or two today and that made me really happy! He also attempted some eye contact, which was a gesture I found very sweet and brave (knowing he's a pretty shy person at first).

I think generally, my "obsession" as my friends call it, is over. Seeing him doesn't fill me with an inexplicable joy that makes me want to soar through the air, but he still brings a smile to my face and I feel lighter. He makes me feel calmer. Like if you were super angry and someone handed you a fluffy puppy to hold.

I'm quite content.

Oh wait no I have an AP Econ rant. But that'll come next post.

Today was a very "meh" day. It was cloudy outside and I couldn't see the sun, but yet it was still really humid outside. It irritated me more than anything.

I went to school and sat through Anatomy--going through things I'd already learned last year (macromolecules, funn). Then I had Leadership. I'm in High School Dance Squad, so of course we're always pretty busy. But as much as I love planning events and such, I miss the relaxation of Publicity Squad last year. I feel as if I'd enjoy my current squad a lot more if I didn't feel so isolated.

To explain, I'll start by saying that about three-quarters of the squad was pre-chosen at the end of last year. They also happened to be part of the same friend group/clique. When I was first put into the squad, they had already known where the venues were, what the general themes were going to be, and the general idea and layout of each dance. They're basically all friends with each other and it makes me feel like an add on--as if I was brought into the squad not for my creativity and charisma, but for my capacity to get work done efficiently and my love for organization and budgeting.

It's frustrating to work with people that have already decided something and of course, agree with each other because they're all friends. I hadn't felt that lonely in a while. I'm just tired of pretending to be comfortable and pretending to be okay with things when I'm not. I know it's too late for me to transfer out of the squad, so I guess I'll have to tough it out for the year. It's not like I have to see these people again after this year.

I feel so fake when I have to smile and say, "yeah" all the time. And don't get me wrong, I've done this plenty throughout my life, but meeting the new middle school boy made me realize just how skewed my view of myself and others are. I am more conscious than ever of my drive to be liked and accepted by my peers--enough for me to suppress my emotions and opinions in times of stress and conflict with people I'm not fantastically acquainted with.

The worst part is: I'm not brave enough to change myself. It's just that it's the last year of high school with these people and they've known me to be goofy and amiable for the majority of my stay here. To do a quick 180 and tell certain people that I'd prefer not to be in their presence is too daunting for me. I'm shamefully attached the others' approval of me and without it, I feel as if I'm not a defined person.

This is one of the bad sides of myself, I'd say (one of many). As much as I may deny it, I thrive on the opinions of others and often look for my own personal definition of myself in the words of my peers and my family. I don't really have my own opinion of myself. They're all mirror images of what I've been told by others in the past. I do things because they please others or don't do things that might displease others. But are they pleasing/displeasing to me? I don't even know anymore.

In many ways, despite the fact that I'm a senior in high school and young friend is in middle school and brand new to the school I've been attending for the past 6 years, I feel as if I have so much more to learn from him. Not in terms of academic things (though, he's probably a lot more cultured and literate than I am since he reads a lot), but in learning how to accept myself and be able to read a book all alone in the middle of the breezeway because perhaps I just don't care what other people think if I did.

Instead, I continue to smile and continue to assure others that they are correct and, "I can see how you could come to that conclusion" when in reality their opinions are filthy pieces of rehashed crap. It frustrates me.

I want to spend a day reading with him (different books, of course). I just want to keep in touch with my introverted side and find the calm he displays so often.

I know I've been really rant-y lately. So I'll make a cheerier post today!

So I was having a crappy day of people being generally incompetent and uncooperative (that's what you get for being Editor-in-Chief of a school newspaper, you know? But it's okay. I expected it.) And I got to my next class and just started realizing how superficial and misinformed my peers are. It made me lose a lot of faith in original thought (or at least, attempt at original thought). I also felt really behind in the class because it is, after all, and AP class and personally feel that we should be learning a lot more pertaining specifically to the AP test, but it just wasn't happening.

But then I had lunch with a middle school boy that was new to my school and ended up regaining some hope in my generation. It was just an overall pleasant experience. It was an oasis of literacy in a land of YOLO. He's in 7th grade and was reading Lord of the Rings and The Looking Glass Wars and spoke so formally. True, he wasn't the most socially skilled person in the world. But in a society filled with people vying for the spotlight, it was so nice to experience someone comfortable in their own skin--caring more about epic adventures of ink on paper than meeting a girlfriend and being the most popular person ever.

Some of my friends say I'm a bit too obsessed with this boy (whose name I won't mention, for obvious reasons). However, I think it's because it's one of those you-have-to-experience-it type of things. I guess if I want to get really psychological with this, I'd say I'm so intrigued by him because he is just this exaggerated manifestation of my own introversion as a middle schooler new to the school. By sitting with him and speaking to him, I feel as if I'm connecting with a side of myself that I've continually shoved down my own throat so that I would be liked.

I, believe it or not, was an introvert before coming to the school. For the most part, I found the entire OCSA adjustment to be a terrifying and emotionally exhausting experience. But I forced myself to shine with the same light that other members of my class emitted as best I could so I could make a name for myself here. Alliances, Allies, Friends, Peers, Comrades, Acquaintances--I needed them all. And being quiet and reading Harry Potter was not going to get me anywhere (or so I believed as a middle schooler).

Put simply: I see fragments of myself in this boy if not new, improved fragments of what I could've been. When I look in his eyes, I know he doesn't seek to throw himself at everyone's face. He is at peace with himself and his existence here. As far as I can tell, the ladder to popularity isn't even acknowledged. Or if it is, it's not priority.

Some of my friends think I'm really creepy for wanting to use everything I can to make him feel comfortable and wanted. However, I don't think it's creepy at all (well, perhaps only just a little). The reason being that upon closer self introspection, I think I care about him so much despite not knowing all too much about him because

1. I've already idealized him. This part's obvious and easy to guess.
2. Since I see him as part of my 7th grade self, I guess I feel a sense of duty to comfort my younger self here at OCSA before I leave. I want to make peace with that side of me before I leave this place and I think that being with him and being his companion would ease that side of me that still seeks so much attention. I felt so calm and serene with him there, like I didn't even need to try.

We spoke of conservatory and briefly about the book he was reading (as I had read it when I was about his age) and he was just so eloquent. Curt, but eloquent. And although there were moments of silence in which he read his book and I finished up an email I had to send, it was so comfortable (for me anyway, haha). It was as if we'd known each other for a while and didn't mind each others' presence. I mean, we weren't ecstatic and delighted to be in each other's presence. It was more so that we found a different kind of calm in that silence.

I can't exactly describe how valuable our conversation was to me. He was Memoirs of a Geisha in a sea of Stephenie Meyer fanfiction. He was, "Hello. How are you doing today?" in a land of, "Hi (: wat r u doin?"

And I'm not trying to say that people who don't read LotR for fun are dumb shams of people (after all, I myself have yet to read the LotR series), but it was just so refreshing to see someone so fresh, pure, and so different from anything I'd seen at this school in a long time. Seeing him makes me smile and remember that there are still thoughtful, genuine people in the world that don't necessarily consider it top priority to seek the validation of others.

The same validation that I sought so desperately. Everything I see in him that reminds me of me makes me even happier that he's not showing signs of my own 7th grade self--with paranoia and desperation swimming in my eyes. His eyes are relaxed, calm, and so much older beyond his years.

In short, my day after that has been fantastic. My only regret is that I have yet to see him smile or laugh. I'd really like to see it before I graduate, because even if he is comfortable with who he is, I'd like to see him step out of his own little shell at some point (unlike me, who just ripped my shell off my back and desperately sought approval).

Overall, today was nice. Today was really nice.

Rant about dating and paying for stuff!

So it's Homecoming at my school in less than a month and I overheard some girls talking about roping guys into being their date so that they don't have to pay for their tickets.

/DEEP BREATH

Okay, that is the stupidest most manipulative piece of shit I've ever heard. Unless a guy specifically offers to buy your ticket, why would you assume that he should be the one to pay for it? I don't care if it's because, "he's the guy" and you're, "the girl". What is this, the medieval times? Get over yourselves.

Honestly, that kind of stuff pisses me off to no end because girls are always complaining about being treated like trash and wanting equality but still want guys to open their doors, pull out their chairs, buy them stuff, and ask them out and stuff and let me tell you: that is NOT equality. That is sexism.

Guys are humans, too. They don't owe you anything just because they have an extra something in their pants (and I'm not talking just wallet, either). If they do "nice things" out of their own free will, fine. That's their decision. But I'm pretty sure if a guy hounded you to buy stuff for him and do things for him without him explicitly asking, you'd be confused and pissed off too.

If anything, accept his offer to buy the tickets and offer to buy dinner. Or offer to buy dinner and ask him to buy the tickets if it's a financial burden to you. Or just don't go to the dance. There are many civilized options available besides asking a guy to a dance and assuming that equals a free ticket. Why don't you ask a guy to the dance based on his personality and/or the way he treats you and others? Why does it have to be because you'll force him to buy a dance ticket?

What if he's financially disadvantaged? What if he really really likes you but doesn't want to ask you unless he can afford to pay for both tickets? And now you're gonna trap him in an uncomfortable situation. Really, I'd expect some girls to at least have the capacity to consider guys individually versus assuming they're all rich, have a job, or both. Prince Charming is rarer than you'd like to think.

That also brings me to the, "guys always have to pay for the first date" thing. I asked my sister about it and facepalmed through my face when she told me that, "of course the guy would have to pay for the first date if he's going to occupy some of my time".

WHAT. You know, I love my sister...but that is also the dumbest piece of crap I've ever heard. If anything, more of the guy's time is used up on a girl because he has to:

1. Mull over how he's going to ask
2. Make sure he can afford it
3. Set up dates and times when he's available
4. Actually ask the girl out
5. Actually go out on a date with her.

Whereas the girl may or may not use her time like this:

1. Like the guy or don't like the guy
2. Respond to date invitation
3. Go on the date and talk (without paying (according to my sister)).

I mean, come on. I don't mean to sound like that whiny, "I hate girls and I'm not like any other girl", but ladies: SPLIT THE CHECK. The poor guy's probably been through enough already. And what if it turns out you don't like him? Or it doesn't work out? Imagine blowing your money on a date that didn't work out. It must SUCK. So split it for good measure.

Or if he ABSOLUTELY INSISTS on paying for it, show that you care enough about his feelings to offer to buy the next time (this situation implies that the first date went well). This is also similar to paying for dinner on the night of a dance while the guy pays for the dance tickets.

It's not rocket science.

So I think if you've been reading enough of my posts, you've realized that this is mainly where I rant about stuff. So here, have another rant!

It was around today that it really hit home for me. Not all, but a surprising amount of my peers regurgitate the words of others almost verbatim and their conversational partner(s) seem to take that and regurgitate it again until they're basically saying the same opinion over and over again and pausing in between to laugh and agree with each other. It's a bit sad, to say the least.

This by no means is my discrediting using the opinions of others to strengthen your own opinion or formulate your own opinion, but using someone else's opinion without adding any of your own thoughts and then having your conversational partner basically parrot what you just said is NOT intelligent conversation. It disturbs me that people think they're having a legitimately, "deep" conversation through the rehashing of others' words.

Hopefully, college has less people like this. Or at least, more people not like this.

And also, my mother has this thing where she likes to periodically reassert her authority over me and although I love her with my entire being, it fricken pisses me off sometimes. Honestly, it only shows how childish she's willing to be to console herself when she feels down. And yeah, maybe I should make her feel better when she feels down, but she never lets me do anything when she gets pissy and so there's basically no way out of it. ARGH.

I also notice more and more that I'm getting less assertive in classroom discussions. Or, that is, I participate less even when I have something to say. It's strange and I can't really identify why I act this way now, but I do. So because I didn't get to fully assert my opinion in AP Econ today, I'll talk here.

So the premise of the situation is that the FDA can essentially make two errors: Type I and Type II. I will define them shortly.

Type I: They release a drug that may or may not be effective--resulting in the deaths of some people who have consumed it.

Type II: They take their sweet time testing and re-testing a drug before releasing it--resulting in the deaths of those waiting for the drug to be released.

As a logical person, I side with Type I. If there is a train filled to capacity heading for 4 people tied to a railroad track, would I change the tracks so the 4 people are spared and the entire train crashes into something, letting all the passengers perish? Or do I let the train run its course and kill the 4 people, sparing the 100-something people on board? It's a tough decision, especially since the value of life is entirely subjective. However. Based on numbers and a decision that HAS to be made, I'd choose the lives of 100-something to the 4 people on the tracks.

This applies to Type I and Type II. Type I may cause the deaths of those taking the drug, but this does not imply ALL of them will perish. What if it ends up being effective? There is a 50/50 chance of death, really (if not less, depending on the pharmacy). On the other hand, the Type II route leaves the patients with a 100% chance of death. They are ill and need medication that will not be released in their shortened life span. They are going to die.

So what now? Take the 50% risk of death/cure, or wait for the inevitable 100%? I think the choice is clear. Of course, this is a case-by-case type of thing. A patient shouldn't be forced to try experimental medication just as they shouldn't necessarily be forced to wait for medication that's been developed, but needs 2 more years to completely assure that it's effective.

If I were seriously ill and facing certain death under excruciating pain and circumstances, I'd take the 50% risk. If I had to make a choice, I'd rather have like 50 people die before the drug is shut down (because you know how quick the media would shut it down and tell people to stop taking it) than wait 2 years and have 2,500 die. Or what was the number in the article I read? 250,000?

250,000 patients die in a year in the USA. Just from waiting.

Just think about that objectively before you start spewing on about, "BUT OMG PEOPLE ARE GONNA DAAIIII" and, "OMG BUT WAT IF A MUTHR WAS PREGNAT AND DA BABY DIED 2", classmates. Because they will die either way. It's just a matter of logical choice. aksjhfjkasf

So last Friday, Pia and I were elected Student Body co-presidents, which is fantastic. It was quite pleasant to see our hard work pay off in the end. We also started conservatory! I'm quite pleased with my classes except to be completely honest, I sometimes tire of writing. I'm just at a point in my life where everything needs to be done quickly, efficiently, and in a method that's already been proven to work. There's really no room for creative writing in my life lately. I hate saying that since I know I can always make time, but I don't. I guess I'm scared that I won't be good enough and that whatever I write won't be like how I used to write in my, "prime" I guess I could say. I put it in quotations because that is a HIGHLY subjective use of the term.

This is also a reminder to myself to make a post about how absolutely and unnecessarily complicated and annoying boys can be and why they may be that way. All that aside, I don't really have much else of importance to say, so I'll fit in a quick rant before bed, I guess.

So today I wore my sister's dress. I sometimes borrow my sister's things or wear her hand-me-downs and whenever I do, I get complimented. Now, don't get me wrong, I acknowledge that my own outfits of choice are absolute crapfests of cotton and polyester. But it bothers me when people ask me what the occasion is in a way that makes me feel as if they think I wouldn't dream of taking the initiative to dress up every once in a while because I'm so obviously an unattractive, lazy-as-fuck person.

Mind you, this is all about how the question is being approached. If it's an honest question, then it won't bother me. It's when it becomes almost a sneer when it begins to bother me. So what if I look nice one day and so what if it seems out of the ordinary? I can do whatever the hell I want and wear whatever the hell I want to wear and shouldn't be questioned or looked down upon for it.

I understand I'm not the most girly person on the planet and I will never forgive myself for how dumb I'm about to sound, but I still like looking pretty, too. I still dress up at home and try my best to color coordinate and do things like that every now and then because I feel like it makes me special and gives me something to do when I'm bored and creative but don't have enough ambition to necessarily write a novel or create a lovely oil painting.

And maybe I just woke up feeling pretty and wanted to reflect that on the surface as well. What's it to you? Don't give me that sneer and ask why I look like a decent human being for a change. You have so many choices. You can tell me I look nice, ask sincerely if I have an event going on, or just walk away. Easy as that. There's no need for sarcastic quips about my appearances. It's unnecessary and chances are, I'll start distancing myself from you once I realize you have an unhealthy focus on my choice of clothing.

Okay, it really bothers me when people have so little respect as to at least attempt to cover up their disappointment for a moment to be happy for you. I understand that when you don't get what you want, it's not a good feeling--especially if it's someone you know that gets it instead. But can we just be real here and say that I was raised to either bring up the matter to the appropriate person in complete privacy away from the ears of others if I think it was a huge mistake or shut my dirty little mouth when I don't get something and instead reflect on why I may not have gotten it so that perhaps I can learn from my experiences.

If I don't get something I want, I'll be the first to openly admit it: I fucking hate myself. I hate everything and things just fall apart for the rest of the day. But you know what? I learn from it. I internalize that loathing for myself and realize that perhaps it was a miscommunication of my own mind. I then realize that perhaps it wasn't hate this whole time, but the result of having to silence my hopes and dreams for just a while longer as they struggle to stay within the confines of my heart.

And you know what? Despite all that I will still manage to smile the best I can and congratulate the person who received whatever I didn't. Even when I expect to get what I want all the time, I force my pride down my throat until all that can flow are shallow words of congratulations. As I should.

Even when people tell me, "congratulations" in a maybe-not-so-honest way, I thank them because I know it takes a lot to separate yourself from your failure. And I hope that others feel the same way if I ever congratulate them (though, mind you, I do my best to sound sincere).

It just pisses me off when I see peers my own age with their pouty lips and foggy angry eyes stare at the wall and refuse to communicate with anyone. Do that in the safety of your own room, okay? I don't care--cry and scream when you're home alone the next night or something, but don't you dare take away the joy of that other person because they obviously possess some form of merit to have gotten something you didn't. They probably worked damn hard to get something in the first place and don't need anymore bullshit once they've gotten there.

I feel like I had my sigh of relief stolen away from me.

COMMON APP POST

After a few days of panicking about summer homework, my future, and my life in general, I am back! I know you all missed me sooo much. All 3 of you (cue laughter track).

Anyway, it's been quite the confusing week. Common application opened up a few days ago and ever since, I've been weeping inside. Though honestly, besides the whole essay writing ordeal, I can't see much pain in Common App's process. Maybe I speak too soon, but the application part of it (entering your personal information, etc) is actually enjoyable for me. But that might just be because I've always loved filling out applications (I used to make applications for everything as a kid. EVERYTHING).

The essays are going to be a pain, though. I just know it. It's even more stressful because it's the biggest part of my application that will make or break acceptance. Actually, that's a lie. They're going to start by weeding out bad grades and stuff, so I'll probably be rejected or deferred (wait listed) on that basis if it came to that. But if another applicant were on the edge and I were also on the edge of acceptance and rejection, it'll most likely be our essays that set us on either side of that admissions line.

I just hate to think that my essay is worth so much. True, this is kind of a blessing in that I can use it to my advantage...but what if I can't? What if my best isn't good enough?  asklfjasklfjakslfha

I'm going to self-medicate with ice cream, now.

So I already know that no one really reads my blog, so I decided that I'd start ranting about my personal life as well! Isn't that great, older Judy? You get to read my written confusion and poorly channeled anger!

I get really angry when people mock me. Not mocking in a joking way such as making fun of my obsessions or if I slipped up a word and it was worth a replay (which I am fine with), but serious sarcastic mocking with the intention of hurting me. It pisses me off to no end. When I write or speak an argument in my own words, I don't want it thrown in my face as if it were worth mocking because I'm being completely serious and often expect others to feel the same way. When someone mocks me when I'm being serious and feel strongly about something, I just absolutely hate them. I can't even tell whether they're more immature for not realizing just how childish and inappropriate they're being or I'm more immature for being offended.

I know people always say, "just ignore them and be the better person". But I can't let that go. It just holds so much disrespect when someone obviously decides to take more time mocking you than formulating their own argument and it makes them seem so stupid and childish. Not to mention (again) that it bugs the crap out of me. And the amount of bugging it does rises with how close they are to me because I have to deal with them as a part of my personal life for  a longer time than a stranger, whom I can flip off and never talk to again.

Simply put: I can't find it in myself to respect people that don't respect me. If someone thinks their argument is strengthened by mocking mine, they're both stupid, disrespectful, and obviously don't have the means to form their own ideas in a respectful and effective manner. If someone honestly wanted me to listen to them after they mocked me, tough luck to them. After someone mocks me during an argument, I am done with them. They are no longer even worth arguing with because there is now a giant gaping intellectual gap.

I hate everyone. Seriously.

Sweet Jesus, I haven't posted for a week.

I guess it's part of my Post-A:tLA-Syndrome. I feel so empty without Avatar. WHY DID IT HAVE TO END??!

I haven't lucid dreamed since last week, either. I haven't been doing anything but eating and watching How I Met Your Mother reruns. I should probably start on my summer homework but screw that I'm a senior. I can pull it off last minute.

I'M SO LAZY. I'm just a rambling mess and at least I got that volunteer thing with the lady that refused to call me for a few hours. It's mostly filing papers and such, not much excitement there...but hey, I like organizing and that kind of stuff, so it's all good.

I really hope I keep going with this blog even through times like this when I have nothing to do but ramble because it'd be nice to look back and laugh at myself when I'm older. And for the sake of other peoples' kicks as well. I hope SOMEONE finds this entertaining.

I'll start posting more legit stuff later when I'm not so sleep-deprived and depressed due to lack of Avatar: The Last Airbender. I might even do a review on the movie The Last Airbender because holy hell it was so terrible and hurt so good. Were they trolling or..? I should also post my rant about "90s kids" and also about being a, "nerd". asfgkdjhgjkadhkfafdas

ANYWAY. I'll smell you guys later, I guess.

SOMEONE HELP I CAN'T STOP DRAWING PICTURES OF ZUKO.

Also: I'm sosoosososo close to the end of Avatar: The Last Airbender! Just a few more chapters and it's all over...how depressing. But at least that means I can move into Korra and see what the fuss was about! So excited.

In honor of this great experience, I will now refer to lucid dreaming as, "dream bending".

...no giant feats of dream bending were done last night. BUT THERE WERE SOME MINOR CASES.  I'll describe the dream anyway despite its dream bending insignificance for the sake of logging it somewhere that I'll remember (which is supposed to make me a stronger dream bender).

I was given the Hilton Hotel for my birthday (well, only for a week) and so I threw a giant pool birthday bash. People were lined up outside, and I actually knew them all! It was great. Then when everything was in order, all my friends were jumping into the pool and telling me to jump in.

I was about to, but something held me back and made me decide not to jump in. This was where my minor dream bending came into play!

I realized that I wasn't wearing a swim suit under my clothes and for some reason felt the need to change into my swim suit despite probably having a week's worth of clothing in the hotel. So I went to the bathroom (because of course my swim suit would just have to magically appear in the bathroom) and on my way inside, I saw a guy that I know in real life (I'll call him, "Ron"). Ron was just sitting on a bed that was near the bathroom all lonely-like (let's just pretend there are beds in the lobby of the Hilton).

I asked him why he wasn't joining the party and he shrugged. So I shrugged too. I mean, I wasn't about to force him into the pool or anything. So I twisted the handle and was about to say something else to him, but when I turned to face him, he had suddenly gotten closer to me and the eye contact was excruciatingly awkward. I quickly ran into the bathroom and locked the door.

Then I woke up.

Again, I'm so confused. I don't know if I'm just really logical and paranoid in my dream-state as well to realize that I should put on swim gear before going in the pool, or if I controlled my rational decision.

So I'm not even sure if my dream bending is even legit. Is controlling your actions or simply being aware of the dream enough? Is it one of the two more so than the other?

How odd.

Finally got the phone call thing settled and I got the volunteering job! My interview wasn't even that long because apparently my application was strong enough to stand alone. EGO BOOSTERRR. I had been rehearsing for a more in-depth interview and was a little disappointed by how...casual it was considering this was the first time in a looooong while that I'd actually gotten up early and attempted to look publicly presentable. But whatever, I still got it!

ALSO! I THINK I HAD MY FIRST RUN-IN WITH LUCID DREAMING! Let me explain.

So, I 'm not sure if it was lucid dreaming or me waking up and making stuff up or me half asleep and making stuff up, or if that's what lucid dreaming is or whatever...but I controlled something in my dream and it was amazing! I've never experienced that before.

Anyway, since this is my blog, I guess there's no point in me lying about anything, so here goes my shady dream with my shady actions.

It was night time and I was on my way to my friend's house for no particular reason after seeing a picture she posted on Facebook. The picture was posted by another girl that I know from school (but am not close to) who I will refer to as, "Kelly". So I somehow have the skills to drive for a while until I'm in her area, but randomly decide to go to a nearby barn instead.

I meet Kelly there, who is waiting for some sort of Pony Expo (sounds cool, I know). She said she was part of the set-up team and got there a bit early. So since she had time, we decided to walk over to the nearest restaurant and grab a bite to eat. I have no idea why we didn't use the car I'd used to get there, but whatever.

So we're walking along the street in the dead of night (smart idea, always) when she starts to notice something. She asks if I hear something and I say no, I don't and begin to listen closer to hear steady footsteps.

This next part, I'm a bit ashamed of doing (even in a dream), but I completely freaked out and ran off in front of Kelly, leaving her to run a bit behind me as I ran from the footsteps. She eventually catches up and begins to get in front of me, telling me that we should head for a fork in the road and split up so he goes after the one he's looking for (another great idea generated by dream Judy). We do so, and WHADDYA KNOW I'M THE ONE HE'S AFTER.

I freak out and continue running and I can hear his footsteps begin to run faster and I'm already getting tired and no one's around to hear me scream and I was going to die there and augh it was terrible

BUT!

BUT!!!!!!!!!!

In a fit of lucid dreaming (or waking up halfway with an active imagination that somehow simulated the same situation as my dream), I found a gun lodged in the pocket of the jacket I was wearing. I stopped running, waited for the man to catch up, screamed, "You're not real," and shot at him multiple times.

He disappeared. And somehow, I ended up running right to my friend's house that I had initially intended to visit. I pulled out my phone to call her and woke up as I approached her doorstep.

It was still 5 AM and I was still on an adrenaline high, but I faintly remember being really excited before falling back to sleep.

So yeah. Not sure what it was, but I controlled my own actions for once and was AWARE of controlling my own actions in a dream world, even explicitly stating in my dream that I was aware of the dream world I had entered.

Tres cool, right?