Girls Hate Girls

You know, I'll be the first to admit on here (wow, go Judy! Being the first to say something on your own blog!) that I've "hated" some girls. In fact, I think I still do. It's and ugly and shameful part of me that I prefer not to expose to the public, but it's there.

Anyway, it doesn't come as a shock to me because not only was I raised to obtain certain measures of my own personal worth, those measures are often unachievable--so when I see another girl like me and see myself in her as she achieves something I wish to achieve myself, I feel bitter, insecure, and wish horrible things upon that girl.

I repeat: this isn't something I wish to glorify by making internet-public. It's shameful to hate someone for any reason. It's just ugly and doesn't do anyone any good at all. But that doesn't mean it's not part of the human experience. It's part of our humanity to have the wonderful capacity to love as well as the capacity to muster up so much emotion as to hate another human being.

Anyway, I've been thinking on and off about it for the majority of today, and I've come to the simple conclusion that all "girls hate girls" because of the insecurity implanted in our heads from Day 1. We're raised to feel insecure about ourselves by being introduced early to things that society will eventually use to enslave us (such as beauty, popularity, the pursuit of romance, etc). It's no surprise we get jaded and bitter when we see another girl: that has a better body, is liked better, gets more attention, achieves something.

It's not because we hate her, it's because we begin to feel a growing insecurity about ourselves and the only way we can conveniently channel this feeling of inadequacy is to project hate and loathing onto another person. Instead of motivating myself to work out and get a better body, or work harder to achieve something, I find myself wishing that that girl would lose what she had achieved.

I know, I know. That's a terrible thing to wish upon someone. But as someone who has her daily dose of self-deprecatory thoughts, my cornered mind can only be so humane in knee-jerk reactions. Put simply, it's the easy way out to wish that the past would reverse itself so she would devolve into square 1 with me. Why can't I instead wish for me to catch up to square 2 as quickly as possible? Laziness, I suppose.

I'm not into the whole New Years Resolutions thing, but it's definitely a goal of mine to re-train my mind into thinking more constructively rather than the destructiveness it's been expressing so often this past year. It's not helping the girl I hate and it's certainly not helping me. Therefore, it's void in my life and should be swept away. And although I go into this acknowledging that it might be impossible to ever completely eliminate this knee-jerk reaction, I'll do my best!