Today was a very "meh" day. It was cloudy outside and I couldn't see the sun, but yet it was still really humid outside. It irritated me more than anything.

I went to school and sat through Anatomy--going through things I'd already learned last year (macromolecules, funn). Then I had Leadership. I'm in High School Dance Squad, so of course we're always pretty busy. But as much as I love planning events and such, I miss the relaxation of Publicity Squad last year. I feel as if I'd enjoy my current squad a lot more if I didn't feel so isolated.

To explain, I'll start by saying that about three-quarters of the squad was pre-chosen at the end of last year. They also happened to be part of the same friend group/clique. When I was first put into the squad, they had already known where the venues were, what the general themes were going to be, and the general idea and layout of each dance. They're basically all friends with each other and it makes me feel like an add on--as if I was brought into the squad not for my creativity and charisma, but for my capacity to get work done efficiently and my love for organization and budgeting.

It's frustrating to work with people that have already decided something and of course, agree with each other because they're all friends. I hadn't felt that lonely in a while. I'm just tired of pretending to be comfortable and pretending to be okay with things when I'm not. I know it's too late for me to transfer out of the squad, so I guess I'll have to tough it out for the year. It's not like I have to see these people again after this year.

I feel so fake when I have to smile and say, "yeah" all the time. And don't get me wrong, I've done this plenty throughout my life, but meeting the new middle school boy made me realize just how skewed my view of myself and others are. I am more conscious than ever of my drive to be liked and accepted by my peers--enough for me to suppress my emotions and opinions in times of stress and conflict with people I'm not fantastically acquainted with.

The worst part is: I'm not brave enough to change myself. It's just that it's the last year of high school with these people and they've known me to be goofy and amiable for the majority of my stay here. To do a quick 180 and tell certain people that I'd prefer not to be in their presence is too daunting for me. I'm shamefully attached the others' approval of me and without it, I feel as if I'm not a defined person.

This is one of the bad sides of myself, I'd say (one of many). As much as I may deny it, I thrive on the opinions of others and often look for my own personal definition of myself in the words of my peers and my family. I don't really have my own opinion of myself. They're all mirror images of what I've been told by others in the past. I do things because they please others or don't do things that might displease others. But are they pleasing/displeasing to me? I don't even know anymore.

In many ways, despite the fact that I'm a senior in high school and young friend is in middle school and brand new to the school I've been attending for the past 6 years, I feel as if I have so much more to learn from him. Not in terms of academic things (though, he's probably a lot more cultured and literate than I am since he reads a lot), but in learning how to accept myself and be able to read a book all alone in the middle of the breezeway because perhaps I just don't care what other people think if I did.

Instead, I continue to smile and continue to assure others that they are correct and, "I can see how you could come to that conclusion" when in reality their opinions are filthy pieces of rehashed crap. It frustrates me.

I want to spend a day reading with him (different books, of course). I just want to keep in touch with my introverted side and find the calm he displays so often.