So this has been bothering me for a while now: that new JB song always finds its way into my head. Well, only the, "I'D LIKE TO BE ANYTHING YOU WANT" over and over (that's all I know of it). So I decided to look up this madness and began noticing the confusing joyride that is, "Boyfriend". And now here is the resulting roundabout rant/confusion vomit.

Let me preface this by saying I have no personal vendetta against JBiebs. He's prettier than I'll ever be, and I've (begrudgingly) come to accept that. I'm sure he's a good guy. But damn, his lyrics (or his songwriter's lyrics) need a LOT of work.

For starters, it's: if I WERE your boyfriend. "Was" implies it actually happened in the past. Since this is him basically trying to sell himself to the female (possibly male?) population, it should be in a tense that indicates uncertainty (conditional), which would be, "were". I don't even care that this is pop music. The point is that young kids listen to this and recite the lyrics over and over again like Puritanical gnomes reciting Bible verses.

Early on he says, "I don't know about me, but I know about you. So say hello to falsetto in three, two". Which makes me wonder what kind of girls he's into. Is he implying that he has prior knowledge of the girl he is singing to and that she specifically enjoys his voice in falsetto? I mean, I'm not against falsetto voices (if done correctly), but I wouldn't want someone to claim they know me because of that one fact.

What does, "swag, swag, on you" mean? Is swag now a verb? Could someone notify me as to what it means?

And if he can be ANYTHING I want, would he be a unicorn? A stripper (Do I hear a Magic Justin? No? Okay I didn't.)? Making a promise like that is dangerous, I tell you. What if I asked to sell him into the underground sex industry in Cambodia? Would he do that? Do I even want to know? The answer to both is probably not.

Swaggie. I have nothing to say to that.